The Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.
They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.
I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.
But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.
We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.
The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.
After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.
Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.
BEHOLD, RUMORBOT 2.0 IN ALL ITS GLORY!
Impressed? You should be. This machine took our finest men and women countless hours and millions of dollars to develop and create.
It’s a powerful piece of machinery that will take the guessing game out of the head coaching carrousel. It will match candidates with teams so precisely it may make the offseason obsolete in terms of its precise accuracy.
To make the machine work, data chips must be loaded into RumorBot 2.0. Each data chip represents a head coaching candidate that has been discussed as a potential head coach in 2016-2017. Here are the data chips we included in our tests.
The lucky candidates included Mike Smith, Sean McDermott, Doug Marrone, Jon Gruden, Ben McAdoo, Mike Shanahan, Josh McDaniels, Hue Jackson, Chip Kelly, Tom Coughlin, Dirk Koetter, and of course our good friend Les Bowen.
We ran simulations for the Eagles, New York Giants and Cleveland Browns. You may be surprised by the results.
(At this point in time I’d like to remind everyone that I am in my 30s, I have my own home, I’m happily married and we’re expecting our first child in March. This is what I enjoy doing with my free time. I’m sure my wife is having the divorce papers drawn up immediately)
Unbelievable. Chip Kelly?! They fired him and they’re going to rehire him for the next season? Of course RumorBot 2.0 is 100% accurate, but I have so many questions. Is he going to come crawling back? Will he be the GM? Alas, RumorBot 2.0 is just a machine, and cannot answer such queries. Damn you RumorBot 2.0, damn you to hell you clattering cacophony of creaky cogs!
Nooooooooo way. Les Bowen?! Another absolute shocker. Yes, the crotchety, but lovable Philadelphia Eagles beat writer we all have come to adore at the Toboggan will apparently make a foray into coaching next season with the New York Giants. I had no idea he was even a candidate for any of these jobs in the first place. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, RumorBot 2.0. I’m beginning to think you may not be as elegant a piece of machinery as we were led to believe.
Alright, now we’re starting to make sense here, RumorBot 2.0! It’s Sean McDermott time! Oh my how Anthony Gargano will cry and gnash his teeth when he hears of this news. Yes, the prodigal son will not be returning to Philadelphia, but will be spending the next several seasons in purgatory in the stink hole that is Cleveland. Sorry Sean, maybe next time don’t come on Philadelphia sports talk radio and beg for a job. RumorBot 2.0 could smell the desperation on you.
Well that’s it. The Coggin Toboggan has done it again. Chip Kelly will be back, Les Bowen is heading to New York, and Sean McDermott will likely commit suicide in Cleveland.
This post took way too much effort and was such a pain in the ass. May we never speak of RumorBot 2.0 ever again.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: I actually picked each of these legitimately. I was insanely tempted to re-pick for the Eagles, but the entire post was such a pain in the ass to do I just let it be)