St. Louis, Mo. – St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke reportedly called his buddy Mark “MoonDog” Madison for the first time in nearly a decade Tuesday morning.
Kroenke said he wanted to “catch up” with Madison and it was simply a coincidence that the “MoonDogger” is his only acquaintance who owns with a pickup truck.
“MoonDog, it’s Stan, how you been buddy? I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya, but I just wanted to see how you old salty son of a bitch was doing,” Kroenke said. “Yeah I know, it’s been a long time. I’ve been busy with the St. Louis Rams…well, you must have seen the news, we’re not really the St. Louis Rams anymore. Off to Los Angeles next season buddy, La La land, hitting the big time! You didn’t hear about that huh? Get the net, MoonDogger, come on.”
Kroenke reportedly dropped thinly veiled hints and suggestions to the 62-year-old Madison, whom he had attended college with, to see if he still owned the 1993 Dodge Ram pickup.
“You still got that old Dodge junker? Man we had some good times with that bad boy, didn’t we? Remember when we had those two beer girls from Fitzies Tap and Cap in the flat bed? And that ornery raccoon decided to show up and dove right on top of your head?Ooooh weeeee that was a night I’ll never forget. Still sealed the deal though, didn’t we? You had me smelling your fingers for days,” Kroenke said.
“How is the old girl still holding up? Suspension still good?”
When Madison answered in the affirmative, Kroenke took the opportunity to make his move.
“Look, I’m going to be upfront about you with this. Do you think you could swing on by the stadium in a week or two? We need to move everything out to Los Angeles, and frankly, old Stan is a bit strapped for cash right now,” he said. “Come on, MoonDog, it’s Stan the Man here. You remember when I fronted you that rent money back in 85? Got you out of a tight spot, didn’t I. You said you owed me. Look, I promise to at least front you some bucks for gas and a sixer of Budweiser, what do you say?”
“It will be two, three trips at the most, I promise. I’ll even get us a pizza.”
Kroenke reportedly lied and told Madison the stadium was “a two-floor walkup” and they only had to load up a few footballs, maybe some pompoms, and a “goalpost or two.”
“Besides, maybe Stan the Man can introduce you to some of our fine cheerleaders. That’s some top-notch trim, let me tell you, I know from experience,” Kroenke said, although he most certainly did not know from experience.
At press time, Kroenke had reportedly asked the St. Louis Aldermen if they would approve a plan for St. Louis taxpayers to fund the necessary $25 to MoonDog for gas money, beer and pizza.