New York Giants

And with the 32nd pick in the 2018 NFL draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select…

…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!

Suck my dick, rest of the NFL. Suck it long and suck it hard, because this may be the last time in my lifetime the Eagles select 32nd overall in the NFL draft so I am going to get my insults in and I’m going to get them in as often as I can. I hope it’s not the last time, but just in case I’m going to gloat as much as I can leading up to the draft tonight.

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Wait a minute…what’s going on with that hole Odell Beckham punched in the Lambeau wall?

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So apparently this is the hole in the wall at Lambeau Field that Odell Beckham Jr. thrust his stone hand through after the Giants loss to the Packers on Sunday. Impressive, yes, but something is just off about it…is there a way to get a closer look?

Enhance!

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Odell Beckham Jr. reportedly stole cursed doubloon from Blackbeard’s ship while in Miami

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Blackbeard the Pirate is not a Giants fan.

New York, NY – This should give the New York media more ammunition to pile on Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.

After dropping several passes in key situations against the Green Bay Packers yesterday and facing harsh criticism for his decision to attend a boat party in Miami last week with several teammates, new information is breaking that reported Odell Beckham Jr. stole a gold doubloon piece from a spectral ghost ship the revelers came upon while sailing through deep fog off the Florida coast.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

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Ho ho ho! The Eagles stink and it’s all your fault!

Hey! We actually got ALL of our Eagles picks right last week when we predicted the Eagles would not only lose to the Ravens, but would cover the spread as well. WE’RE ON A ROLL NOW, BUDDY BOY, JUST CALL ME COOL DR. MONEY CAUSE I’M MAKING STACKS UPON STACKS.

Oh, I’m sorry, our guest pickers are on fire (how long do I have to keep up this charade?)

Tonight the Eagles (5-9) will try not to make the bile rise in everyone’s throats throughout the Delaware Valley when they take on the NFC East rival NY Giants (10-4), with the
G-Men -2.5 point favorites.

But wait a second….what’s that I hear? Is that reindeer hooves up on the roof of the Coggin Toboggan offices, or just the thousands upon thousands of rats that call our facilities home?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who is making our picks this week….

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It’s official, the Eagles are worse than the stomach flu

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The face that launched a thousand buckets of puke yesterday.

My kid has had the stomach flu since Wednesday. This house has been filled with puke, shit, tears, and all sorts of horrendous bodily fluids since early last week, some of them even from him.

Whether or not the puking/shitting was caused by him actually watching the first quarter of the game with me is yet to be determined.

Good LORD that was terrible. Doug Pederson basically had a stroke on the sidelines and decided to leave 6-points on the field in a crucial NFC East game and now the Eagles are where they belong, in the mother fucking basement.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Barfffffffff. Well, at least our guest picker got ONE prediction right last week, as Tony Romo correctly predicted the Cowboys would beat the Eagles, but the Eagles would not cover the spread.

You know Dak Prescott would have predicted the Cowboys would have beaten the Eagles AND covered the spread. What? I’m just saying is all, not trying to create any undue controversy with the Cowboys.

This week, the Eagles (+2.5) are going up the Turnpike to take on the hated New York Giants and their cast of unlikable wide receivers. You’d better believe Mike Missanelli has his Twitter account primed and ready to fire off any number of offensive tweets when Victor Cruz suffers another season ending injury.Β  I’m sure he’ll try to interject some crude racial humor in a “jokey tweet” and then blame it on being Italian.

“Ehhhhhh come on now! Dats just like a my momma used to tweet, I know-a-no better den that! Mama Mia, I am in some a trouble.”

Can’t wait.

Win/loss prediction results: 3-4

Against the spread: 3-4

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Steve Weatherford asked to leave Planet Fitness after being determined unqualified for janitor position

An irate Steve Weatherford, the outspoken ex-Giants punter, took to social media last night to decry how he was treated by employees at a local Planet Fitness after he was asked to leave their establishment.

The ex-professional athlete, who was unceremoniously released by the New York Jets after just one game in 2015, criticized the gym franchise when he was asked to leave their premises after bombing a job interview.

The custodial position was determined to be too much for the dimwitted Weatherford, who then lashed out at the 21-year-old college senior who administered the interview.

“I’d like to apologize to you all for being such a savage at Planet Fitness,” the failed punter said. “I will never be back.”

He certainly will not be back as an employee, John Casteannos, manager of the location, told several members of the media.

“It was quite obvious Steve was not going to fit in with the Planet Fitness family. He had no experience with a mop wringer and tried to drink the Windex, asking us if he could ‘gank’ some of our Gatorade. He swigged a few gulps of it down before we could snatch it out of his hand,” Casteannos said.

“He became quite sick. It was kind of sad, really, but then he proclaimed us all to be ‘pussies,’ and that’s when we knew it just wouldn’t work out.”

At press time, Weatherford noted that he would never again attempt to work at Planet Fitness and asked if anyone had some spare change so he could take the bus home.