…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!

It’s the morning of the NFL Draft and it’s time yet again to invite the rest of the NFC East to eat shit, to eat it long and slow, because the Eagles are STILL the most recent team in the division to win a Super Bowl and it is our RIGHT as champions to roast the rest of the putrid teams in our division.

Yes, I know EVERY SINGLE other team in the NFC East has more championships than the Eagles, but who has the most recent one? The E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES do, damnit, so until that changes this will be an annual roast day to thoroughly humiliate the rest of the NFC East.

We did it last year. We’re doing it again this year. And hopefully the tradition will continue for many years to come.

Eagles select a fullback in the first round? From Gudger College? It doesn’t matter. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Carson Wentz is on his revenge tour, looking to slay all who wronged him within the last year. Howie Roseman is just restocking his gattling gun with plenty of Jordan Howards, ready to shake down the rest of the league with his salary cap wizardry and lopsided trades.

Oh, oh, the Cowboys have Amari Cooper for a FULL SEASON this year? I’m shaking in my boots, much like Cooper will be by game 5 when he’s going over the middle and wondering if Dak Prescott is going to lead him head-on into another CTE developing concussion. Jason Witten is back you say? He’s taking time off from spray painting his hair on every morning and being the WORST announcer in the NFL to run the slowest developing routes in the league? Make sure to take your calcium supplements everyday, Jason, as men of your advanced age tend to lose bone density at a rapid rate. God it’s going to be so depressing when he’s wheeled out to the field each week in a wheelchair by a staff of nurses paid to extend his life.

The Giants….oh my god the Giants decided to STAY with Eli Manning for yet another year after his brain was damaged worse this season than Rocky Balboa after he fought Ivan Drago. To be fair, the offense does have some dynamic pieces with Saquon Barkley and Odell Beckham Jr. What’s that? GM Dave Gettleman traded away by far the team’s best player to Cleveland for a 10-cent on the dollar return of the 17th overall pick, a third round pick, and  talented but under performing safety Jabrill Pepper who MAY become as good of a player as Landon Collins, who they let walk in the off season. But I’m sure the franchise will turn things around when Gettleman decides to restock his skill players with his early picks, completely ignores the offensive line yet again, and picks an unknown project quarterback in the fifth round that ensures Manning will be needed for another six years.

All you need to know about the Redskins is that owner Dan Snyder has “reportedly” taken over draft day duties and will be making all decisions on the franchise’s picks HIMSELF. I look forward tone-deaf Snyder making the pick announcement himself with a face full of war paint and a ceremonial headdress he paid a grave robber to unearth from Crazy Horse’s final resting place. THIS IS OUR HERITAGE AS A TEAM AND WE’RE PROUD OF IT.

Also, kudos to the NFL for choosing Nashville as the perfect location for this year’s draft. This gentleman will be providing musical entertainment all evening.

YEEEEEE HA! YOU GONNA SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOY!

If I know anything about Nashville, and I assure you I DO NOT, the draft will be overrun by obnoxious bachelorette parties and penis straws by pick #3.

I have news for you. The blues suck, country music sucks, and I guarantee you there is absolutely nothing worthwhile about Nashville that you couldn’t experience outside of the Philadelphia city limits.

Fuck The Redskins. Fuck the Cowboys. Fuck the Giants.

Coggin out.