…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!
It’s the morning of the NFL Draft and it’s time yet again to invite the rest of the NFC East to eat shit, to eat it long and slow, because the Eagles are STILL the most recent team in the division to win a Super Bowl and it is our RIGHT as champions to roast the rest of the putrid teams in our division.
Yes, I know EVERY SINGLE other team in the NFC East has more championships than the Eagles, but who has the most recent one? The E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES do, damnit, so until that changes this will be an annual roast day to thoroughly humiliate the rest of the NFC East.
We did it last year. We’re doing it again this year. And hopefully the tradition will continue for many years to come.
…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!
Suck my dick, rest of the NFL. Suck it long and suck it hard, because this may be the last time in my lifetime the Eagles select 32nd overall in the NFL draft so I am going to get my insults in and I’m going to get them in as often as I can. I hope it’s not the last time, but just in case I’m going to gloat as much as I can leading up to the draft tonight.
Chris, may I call you Chris? Mr. Thompson, is that better? Can we settle on Chris? Chrissy? C-Thompson? Cris? Ok, Chris it is. Good, glad we got that settled.
I’d like to take a moment to address your unfounded claims that you won’t let your family attend this Monday’s game against the Eagles because you’re worried for their safety. You shared your fears with the Washington Post, explaining that Philadelphia fans were “the meanest” in football and you just didn’t feel comfortable having them in attendance.
Well, Chris, I’d like to assuage your fears. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Your family will be absolutely fine if they come to Philadelphia. Do you know why?
It’s because you’re just not worth it.
Kirk Cousins did not play well last night against the Pittsburgh Steelers, which did not sit well with many Redskins fans after the organization labeled him with the franchise tag.
His performance reminded us of another quarterback who came off a career year and didn’t quite live up to expectation. It seems like a great joke, comparing Kirk Cousins to Nick Foles, but do you think it’s been done yet? I’m not sure.
Well let’s check Twitter and see, shall we?
(Not off to a great start. Sam Donnellon is a hack, so if he tweeted it I’m sure many, many others did. I like how he had to quality that Kirk Cousins is the NFL SEASON’S version of Nick Foles, lest we thought he was the NBA’s version of Nick Foles)
Washington, DC – DeSean Jackson decided to throw caution to the wind Friday morning when he spoke about Chip Kelly and how his actions came back to him in a stunning display of karma at the end of the season.
Jackson essentially proved the old adage of a pot calling a kettle black by saying he “could care less” about Chip Kelly because he “ruined the Eagles.”
“I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you,” said Jackson to TheMMQB’s Robert Klemko. “When you ruin a team like that, you do things to people’s families, you release people, you trade people, you get rid of good players who build something with the community, with the fans, with the kids — to have a guy come in and change up the team like that, I just believe in karma.”
A rare sight, DeMarco Murray with his helmet on and holding a football.
Philadelphia, PA – DeMarco Murray heard from the NFL front office Tuesday morning and learned he will receive a one game suspension for his horrendous inactions during Sunday night’s blowout loss against the Cardinals.
The league suspended Murray for his “egregious disregard to playing the game of football” and for multiple “deep shoulder shrugs” and “eye rolls” directed towards the heavens.
Snickers the Possum.
Editor’s Note: Oh Snickers….Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. Three weeks in a row you’ve gotten your predictions wrong. We’re only going to give you a stay of execution because you managed to predict the Eagles would cover the spread. If it weren’t for your ability to actually get a few gambling predictions correct, we’d have crushed your skull under your steel-toed boots long ago. Don’t get too comfortable, though, that wood chipper still has your name written all over it.
This is no longer fun for me. I can’t work under this pressure. I didn’t sign up to be harassed and yelled at by an editor who pays me in moldy orange rinds and used condoms wrapped in tissue paper.
But I’m a professional, a professional sports predicting possum and my dedication is to YOU, the readers.
Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that my hairless tail drives the women possums crazy and I’m an excellent football analyst!
Washington, DC – Speaking to the media yesterday for the first time since suffering an undisclosed injury against the Detroit Lions last week, RGIII emphatically declared he did not suffer a concussion after being hit several times and kindly asked reporters to turn off whatever machine was making that high pitching buzzing noise.
“Look, my brain is fine, it really is. Did it just get really dark in here? Man, someone turn on a light,” He said, his pupils fully dilated despite being in a well lit, bright room.