Washington, DC – Speaking to the media yesterday for the first time since suffering an undisclosed injury against the Detroit Lions last week, RGIII emphatically declared he did not suffer a concussion after being hit several times and kindly asked reporters to turn off whatever machine was making that high pitching buzzing noise.
“Look, my brain is fine, it really is. Did it just get really dark in here? Man, someone turn on a light,” He said, his pupils fully dilated despite being in a well lit, bright room.
“And can someone find out what the loud, shrill buzzing noise is? It’s giving me a massive headache. Jesus christ, can you put away that flood light, it’s giving me a huge migraine,” he said to a reporter that took out his iPhone.
When asked if he had been experiencing any post-concussion symptoms, RGIII said he was perfectly fine, but was having trouble driving his car and could only tie his left cleat before passing out in a heap for hours.
“Do I look injured to you? Mr. Snyder said it’s perfectly normal to have some slight facial drooping when you wake up in the morning. HUH? WHAT’S THAT?” He said, turning his head swiftly to the right, staring at a visage that only he could see. “What is that buzzing?!”
As of press time, RGIII was silently sitting in a darkened room talking to his empty locker and swatting at flies that may or may not have been flying around his head.