Hey folks! It’s me! Crazy Tolly and I’ve got a HELL of an announcement for you folks! Did you see our beloved Eagles destroy the Packers on Saturday night? I wasn’t able to see it, but I did hear updates from the TV in the warden’s office from my cell block, but let me tell you they sounded FABULOUS in victory!
I’m haunted by the winds of my ancestors and the screams of the land at every moment. They don’t let me sleep, I tell you, they don’t let me sleep!
Well I’m announcing the first ever Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl Blow Out!
I am offering you, the people of Philadelphia, first dibs on a fantastic offer for Super Bowl 50 this year in Santa Clara, California. I am offering tickets and airline packages to the big game this year at BARGAIN prices, you’d think I was practically giving them away.
I’m offering you four first class tickets, four lower level, 50-yard line tickets, for the low low price of just $1,500! Don’t be alarmed if the tickets appear to be written on graham crackers and your airline tickets are for Pan-Am Air, I swear to you that we’ll get this all worked out after your checks clear.
When I close my eyes I see the souls of the damned and they command me to commit horrific deeds against humanity!
And I tell you this…if the Eagles are not in the Super Bowl, I will PERSONALLY refund your money the day I get out of this prison. Just give me your home address, let me know when you won’t be around, and I’ll drop off the cash to your unlocked home! It’s that easy!
Just send me your cash, no checks accepted, to the Pennsylvania State Prison, care of Big “Don” Tollefson.
And remember one thing, Hungarians run the local media and the bugs under my skin whisper cruel statements of hatred into my ear during quite moments of the day!
I mean, go Eagles!