Don Tollefson

Don Tollefson: “I swear I’ll repay everyone I scammed, even if it kills them”

I’m back baby! Dandy Don Tollefson is a free man, just like that. They just opened the doors of the prison for me, said I was free to go and pushed me through. Didn’t even give me a psych evaluation before turning me loose….huh, seems like something that should be standard procedure, right? How about that?! You learn something new everyday in this wackadoo life!

I really feel like they should have given me my medications, though, before putting me back on the streets of Philadelphia. I’ve been off of them for a few weeks now, but I don’t feel too bad. I have been hearing high pitched screaming every night while I sleep, causing me to wake up in a freezing cold sweat…and I’ll be honest, I am starting to hear that screaming while I’m awake as well…even when nobody is around.

It tortures me…it would make a lesser man go crazy.

But the midnight fox that is set adrift on the Winter winds stays a hop and a leap ahead of insanity, that’s what I always say.

Did you see me on NBC 10 the other day? I thought I came off quite well, I really did. Take a look for yourself:

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Barfffffffff. Well, at least our guest picker got ONE prediction right last week, as Tony Romo correctly predicted the Cowboys would beat the Eagles, but the Eagles would not cover the spread.

You know Dak Prescott would have predicted the Cowboys would have beaten the Eagles AND covered the spread. What? I’m just saying is all, not trying to create any undue controversy with the Cowboys.

This week, the Eagles (+2.5) are going up the Turnpike to take on the hated New York Giants and their cast of unlikable wide receivers. You’d better believe Mike Missanelli has his Twitter account primed and ready to fire off any number of offensive tweets when Victor Cruz suffers another season ending injury.  I’m sure he’ll try to interject some crude racial humor in a “jokey tweet” and then blame it on being Italian.

“Ehhhhhh come on now! Dats just like a my momma used to tweet, I know-a-no better den that! Mama Mia, I am in some a trouble.”

Can’t wait.

Win/loss prediction results: 3-4

Against the spread: 3-4

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Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl 50 Blowout Spectacular!
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….still not crazy.

Hey folks, it’s me! Crazy Don Tollefson! I’ve got 25 minutes of internet time I traded a bottle of toilet wine for to a member of the Aryan brotherhood, so I’ve got to make this quick. Have you been watching the NFL playoffs?! Are you excited for the Super Bowl? Well I’m here to give you an update on my FABULOUS Super Bowl packages that I told you about this past August!

I wake up with bugs in my hair and cockroaches on my eyeballs! They enjoy the juices! They’re my only friends in this god forsaken hell hole!

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Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl blow out announced today
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……not crazy.

Hey folks! It’s me! Crazy Tolly and I’ve got a HELL of an announcement for you folks! Did you see our beloved Eagles destroy the Packers on Saturday night? I wasn’t able to see it, but I did hear updates from the TV in the warden’s office from my cell block, but let me tell you they sounded FABULOUS in victory!

I’m haunted by the winds of my ancestors and the screams of the land at every moment. They don’t let me sleep, I tell you, they don’t let me sleep!

Well I’m announcing the first ever Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl Blow Out!

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Ruben Amaro Jr. wondering if his Super Bowl tickets purchased from Don Tollefson are still coming
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He looks like a trustworthy guy.

Philadelphia, PA – Speaking to reporters this afternoon, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly worried if Don Tollefson’s recent jail sentencing will in any way affect the delivery of his Super Bowl tickets.

Amaro Jr. revealed he purchased two VIP, full access tickets to Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., next year. He purchased the tickets for $20,000 each from Tollefson’s charity foundation last month.

“I heard he was just sentenced to jail for 2 to 4 years. Wow, I hope this has nothing to do with his charity, I wonder what happened?” Amaro said. “I still haven’t gotten those tickets from Don yet, he said they would be delivered this past weekend, but I haven’t seen them yet.”

Tollefson, of course, was sentenced to prison for taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from area residents who purchased tickets or VIP meet and greets from the embattled sports broadcaster.

Tollefson did not deliver on the majority of the purchases and bilked thousands of dollars from sports fans in the name of his charity.

“I just wonder if my tickets are going to get here this weekend or the next. I paid an extra $10,000 per ticket for all access, which Don told me would get me into the lockers rooms and even the huddles on field during the big game. I had no idea that was even a possibility, I can’t wait for that game!” Amaro Jr. said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. was still waiting by mailbox for the postman to arrive.

Don Tollefson found guilty, implicates self in OJ Simpson murder case

328856_630x354Philadelphia PA – In a rambling, confused closing statement from former NBC sportscaster Don Tollefson, eyewitnesses reported the embattled media personality somehow implicated himself in the brutal murders of both Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.

Tollefson represented himself against accusations of stealing more than $340,000 from sports fans through fundraisers for his charity Winning Ways. His closing arguments reportedly lasted more than 25 minutes in front of a stunned jury, who quickly found “Tolly” guilty of all five original counts, and then additionally found him guilty of the 1994 double murder charge originally levied against Simpson.

“I in no way did anything illegal. Those people who bought tickets and trips from my charity were recouped of all their losses. I am 100 percent innocent of all charges,” Tollefson reportedly said. “Unlike the murder charges that should have been brought against me in the early 90s for my brutal slaughtering of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. Boy, I gave them what they deserved, that’s for sure.”

Tollefson then produced an old, brittle leather glove from his breast pocket, which he proceeded to use to mop his brow, leaving a streak of blood across his forehead.

“There was nothing sneaky about this, unlike how I sneakily crept into Nicole’s home on that fateful night, June 12th 1994,” he said.

As the judge urged him to remain quite, Tollefson ignored his pleas and continued his diatribe.

“Hell, I wasn’t even friends with OJ. I was just bored, wondered what it would be like to kill a man with my bare hands,” he said, eyes wide as he looked down at his shaking fists.

Finishing his closing argument, Tollefson picked up a courtroom microphone and theatrically dropped it to the ground, as he was then forcefully handcuffed by courtroom bailiffs.

Eyewitnesses reported that Tollefson could be heard yelling “What I do! What I do!” as he was led away from the courtroom.