Hey folks, it’s me! Crazy Don Tollefson! I’ve got 25 minutes of internet time I traded a bottle of toilet wine for to a member of the Aryan brotherhood, so I’ve got to make this quick. Have you been watching the NFL playoffs?! Are you excited for the Super Bowl? Well I’m here to give you an update on my FABULOUS Super Bowl packages that I told you about this past August!
I wake up with bugs in my hair and cockroaches on my eyeballs! They enjoy the juices! They’re my only friends in this god forsaken hell hole!
Yes, back in August I announced the first ever Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl Blowout. For the low, low price of $1,500 you could get four first class tickets to Santa Clara, four lower level, 50-yard line tickets, and a three night motel stay in the EZ-Inn off the freeway or the Ritz Carlton, it’s up to you!
I ripped out the throat of a Puerto Rican gang banger last week in the public showers! He cast a spell on me!
For whatever reason, not many people took me up on my offer. Sure, Ruben Amaro Jr. sent me a check the day after I made the announcement, but he’s been one of my best customers for years, so I see I need to UP this ante to make a deal!
I’ve scraped off all of my fingernails trying to tunnel out of this 6 foot by 6 foot rat cage they call a prison cell! I’m going to die in here an old man!
Yes folks, for the same price of $1,500, old Uncle Tolly will PERSONALLY pick you up at your home in a stolen Chevrolet Chevette. Don’t mind the blood on the grill or in the interior, just make yourself at home!
Please let me rifle through your luggage, see what you packed, don’t mind me. I’m just doing my job, what kind of a host would I be if I didn’t comb through your personal belonging to see if there was anything I could steal and sell for pill money.
Did I say pill money? I meant charity money….for me….to buy pills with.
I will the DRIVE you to the airport and I’ll stay at your home for the three days you’re gone! You can’t beat that deal, people. Yes, when you get home you’ll notice I’ve slept in your bed, stolen all of your pills, and made love to sofa, but that’s the price you pay when you hand over your keys to a madman who has sold you fake tickets.
The voices in my head haven’t let me sleep in months. Oh god, why won’t they just let me sleep, and/or die?! Is that too much to ask, to be relieved from my mortal coils to finally get some rest!?
Sound like fun?! Of course it does! So send your cash payments to the Pennsylvania State Prison, care of Uncle Tolly, or I’ll leave threatening messages to your young ones from the prison pay phone!