OJ Simpson

OJ Simpson pitches Naked Gun sequel after being granted parole

mte5ndg0mdu1mti5ndu4mtkxFathers lock up your daughters, the Juice is back, baby! After nine long years the truth has finally set me free! The Juice is back to rap at you for a few minutes, but for the first time I’m writing a column as a FREE MAN!

It’s been too long. I can’t wait to get back out there, hit the links, maybe set myself up for another career with Hertz as their spokesman. You remember that one, right? Run OJ, run! Oh, commercials had writers back then, you could never think of a slogan like that anymore.

But it got me thinking….I’m out now, I’m a free man, free to roam the dark streets at night, pursue my romantic interests, but I need to find a new way for myself. I need a career, I need to support myself both financially and artistically.

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Special Guest Columnist: Is OJ Innocent? Of course the Juice is innocent!

The Juice is loose! The Juice is loose!mte5ndg0mdu1mti5ndu4mtkx I’m just kidding, folks, they’re never going to let me out of here. It’s great to talk to everyone again and address what everyone in America is talking about…Investigation Discovery’s new blockbuster series, “Is OJ Innocent? The Missing Evidence.”

What a series! Pulling in just over 25 million viewers a night, or so I assume, and letting them know the real story of how Nicole met her untimely end. The Juice has been saying all along that there’s missing evidence, and color me surprised when the television network went ahead and made a new series based on JUST THAT without even talking to me first! They must have some real, ground breaking missing evidence that will get the Juice off the hook for that nasty little rumor that has dogged me for the last two decades.

I can’t wait to get back to my life and be welcomed with open arms after everyone sees this series…the Juice is back!

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Special Guest Columnist OJ Simpson: I buried knives all the time!

mte5ndg0mdu1mti5ndu4mtkxHey everyone, it’s your good pal Juice checking in to say hello and address some dirty rumors that are floating around the internet.

Imagine the Juice’s surprise this morning when the Juice got his 15 minutes of internet time and saw TMZ was reporting that a construction worker found a buried, blood splattered knife on my property several years ago.

Now, I want to address this head on. Juice is a good guy! We all know Juice made some mistakes in the past, but this is seriously no big deal! I was so rich and successful I had to  bury blood stained knives in my yard all the time. I didn’t have anymore room in my house to hide them, so the yard had to do!

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Special Guest Columnist OJ Simpson: This show is so fake!

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The Juice has gotten a bad rap as of late.

Hey everybody, it’s your good pal Juice checking in with my fans and letting everyone know that I’m still doing ok in Lovelock Correctional Center and I’m getting by day by day. I’m still the same old Juice. I love watching golf, I love watching my Buffalo Bills, and I’m still looking for the real killer of Nicole even though I’m behind bars after an unfortunate altercation with a memorabilia seeking fan.

But The Juice has been down in the dumps recently. Do you know why? Well, old Juice pulled a few strings and got a special showing of The People vs. O.J. Simpson in my cell last night. You’d think that would have put Juice in a better mood, wouldn’t you? I mean, I was hoping the show would shed some light on how The Juice got a bad rap, but all it did was further along some old tropes and hackneyed cliches about my unfortunate run in with the law.

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Don Tollefson found guilty, implicates self in OJ Simpson murder case

328856_630x354Philadelphia PA – In a rambling, confused closing statement from former NBC sportscaster Don Tollefson, eyewitnesses reported the embattled media personality somehow implicated himself in the brutal murders of both Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.

Tollefson represented himself against accusations of stealing more than $340,000 from sports fans through fundraisers for his charity Winning Ways. His closing arguments reportedly lasted more than 25 minutes in front of a stunned jury, who quickly found “Tolly” guilty of all five original counts, and then additionally found him guilty of the 1994 double murder charge originally levied against Simpson.

“I in no way did anything illegal. Those people who bought tickets and trips from my charity were recouped of all their losses. I am 100 percent innocent of all charges,” Tollefson reportedly said. “Unlike the murder charges that should have been brought against me in the early 90s for my brutal slaughtering of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. Boy, I gave them what they deserved, that’s for sure.”

Tollefson then produced an old, brittle leather glove from his breast pocket, which he proceeded to use to mop his brow, leaving a streak of blood across his forehead.

“There was nothing sneaky about this, unlike how I sneakily crept into Nicole’s home on that fateful night, June 12th 1994,” he said.

As the judge urged him to remain quite, Tollefson ignored his pleas and continued his diatribe.

“Hell, I wasn’t even friends with OJ. I was just bored, wondered what it would be like to kill a man with my bare hands,” he said, eyes wide as he looked down at his shaking fists.

Finishing his closing argument, Tollefson picked up a courtroom microphone and theatrically dropped it to the ground, as he was then forcefully handcuffed by courtroom bailiffs.

Eyewitnesses reported that Tollefson could be heard yelling “What I do! What I do!” as he was led away from the courtroom.