Special Guest Columnist OJ Simpson: This show is so fake!

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The Juice has gotten a bad rap as of late.

Hey everybody, it’s your good pal Juice checking in with my fans and letting everyone know that I’m still doing ok in Lovelock Correctional Center and I’m getting by day by day. I’m still the same old Juice. I love watching golf, I love watching my Buffalo Bills, and I’m still looking for the real killer of Nicole even though I’m behind bars after an unfortunate altercation with a memorabilia seeking fan.

But The Juice has been down in the dumps recently. Do you know why? Well, old Juice pulled a few strings and got a special showing of The People vs. O.J. Simpson in my cell last night. You’d think that would have put Juice in a better mood, wouldn’t you? I mean, I was hoping the show would shed some light on how The Juice got a bad rap, but all it did was further along some old tropes and hackneyed cliches about my unfortunate run in with the law.

I want fans of The Juice to know that The People vs. O.J. Simpson is nothing but lies and half truths.

I feel like I was wrongly portrayed throughout the first episode of the series. Juice wants to set the record straight here. You really shouldn’t believe everything you see on television.

First of all, I never pointed a gun at my head and threatened to kill myself in Kim Kardashian’s bedroom. Nope. Never. Who does that?

I actually threatened to kill myself in Khloe’s room due to the overwhelming guilt I felt after slaughtering my ex-wife Nicole just a few nights before. Understandable, right?

Second, there certainly was NOT a trail of blood leading up to my house. If anything it was more of a spattering of my blood, Nicole’s blood, and Ron Goldman’s blood, whom I also brutally murdered in a horrific rage, all mixed together around the entrance to my house. You think they could have at least gotten that right, about how my DNA, Nicole’s DNA, and Ron’s DNA was everywhere in my home, but again they were wrong.

Third, Cuba Gooding Jr. had a cut on his left ring finger in the show. NOT true! I actually had a cut on my left pointer finger, which I can assure you was caused by my own knife during my struggle to brutally murder the mother of my children, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her 25-year-old lover.

Can’t you see why that would rub Juice the wrong way?

Now, I know this is Hollywood and they need to embellish truths to make them more exciting for the viewers, but isn’t it exciting enough on its own to know that I practically cut Nicole’s head off and was found innocent of all charges? Doesn’t that just beat all?

But don’t cry for old O.J. No, don’t shed a tear, I don’t deserve your pity. Besides, I’m up for parole next year! Think about it, I could be free and clear, living among your sons and daughters without a care in the world. Maybe I’ll get back into acting? I wonder if Hertz still needs a spokesperson.

I’m The Juice! I’ll see y’all next year!

 

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