Fathers lock up your daughters, the Juice is back, baby! After nine long years the truth has finally set me free! The Juice is back to rap at you for a few minutes, but for the first time I’m writing a column as a FREE MAN!
It’s been too long. I can’t wait to get back out there, hit the links, maybe set myself up for another career with Hertz as their spokesman. You remember that one, right? Run OJ, run! Oh, commercials had writers back then, you could never think of a slogan like that anymore.
But it got me thinking….I’m out now, I’m a free man, free to roam the dark streets at night, pursue my romantic interests, but I need to find a new way for myself. I need a career, I need to support myself both financially and artistically.
I was a pretty good actor prior to my little dust-up with the law in the early 90s. Anyone remember the Naked Gun trilogy? Everything’s being rebooted these days, so why not a fourth Naked Gun movie? I was great as Nordberg, I stole the series, really slashed my way through my scenes. Everyone said I killed it, so why can’t we do it again?
There’s so much humor to be mined still from this series. Leslie is dead, I know this, and so is George Kennedy, but the Juice is alive and well and I could anchor a fourth movie!
Maybe Nordberg gets a promotion to be the Chief of Police Squad, has to take on a young officer as a partner? I could see Kevin Hart sliding into that role. Juice and little Kev, what a pair!
The movie writes itself, and I’m a good sport. We could have little winks to my past in the dialogue…like maybe Kevin’s character says that he’s going to meet my estranged wife to discuss our situation, and I’d grin and say something like, “You’d better stay away from her, Kev, because you know what might happen!” and then I’d make a throat slashing gesture to the camera. Lighthearted, funny stuff like that.
Either way, the Juice is loose! Come up, say hi if you see me on the street. I can’t wait to get back out there amongst my people!
Maybe I’ll donate my time to youth football, show those young’ins how the Juice carves up a defense. I’m looking forward to it!