In what has become a training camp tradition, several of the older Eagles veterans gathered the rookies around a roaring campfire on the first day of camp and filled their heads with horrifying visages of a haunted, vengeful smoothie machine that terrorized the roster “three years ago on this very day.”
“I was on the team three years ago when it happened. Strange things, weird things, horrifying things went down in this very facility,” Jason Peters told the rookie attendees. “You’d hear weird things at night…horrible fruits and vegetables being juiced and ethereal concoctions being created for the unfortunate souls it could catch. I saw it, you know, right over there in the commissary one night, pulverizing an entire bushel of carrots like it was nothing.”
One morning, a glass of beet and rhubarb juice appeared on Kiko Alonso’s bedside end-table, materializing almost out of nowhere, Peters said. Alonso had no idea where it had come from, but he heard a shuffling noise coming from outside of his room.
“He decided to investigate, he knew it was stupid, he knew it was dumb to not tell anyone that he was going, but his curiosity got the best of him,” Peters said, shaking his head.
Wide-eyed, injured rookie corner back Sidney Jones asked Peters what happened to Alonso.
“Nobody ever heard from Kiko again…it was like he disappeared off of the face of the earth. Some say he was traded to Miami, some say he was taken by the smoothie machine and pulverized into juice himself. One thing is for certain, if you ever hear a slow, muffled whirring noise in the dark of the night….do yourself a favor….AND RUN BECAUSE THE JUICER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!” Peters yelled, as a visor-wearing Malcolm Jenkins burst of a nearby storage shed, nearly scaring the terrified rookies to death as the assembled veterans laughed in delight.
At press time, a mysterious, heavy-set figure wearing a ratty Eagles visor silently watched from nearby trees, breathing heavily, silently stroking a rusted out juicer as he watched the players retreat to their dorm rooms for rest of the day.