Jason Peters

Eagles veterans scaring rookies with training camp tales of haunted smoothie machine

jason20petersIn what has become a training camp tradition, several of the older Eagles veterans gathered the rookies around a roaring campfire on the first day of camp and filled their heads with horrifying visages of a haunted, vengeful smoothie machine that terrorized the roster “three years ago on this very day.”

“I was on the team three years ago when it happened. Strange things, weird things, horrifying things went down in this very facility,” Jason Peters told the rookie attendees. “You’d hear weird things at night…horrible fruits and vegetables being juiced and ethereal concoctions being created for the unfortunate souls it could catch. I saw it, you know, right over there in the commissary one night, pulverizing an entire bushel of carrots like it was nothing.”

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Forgotten Chip Kelly regime microchip has been shocking Jason Peters for 24 hours

19128184-mmmainPhiladelphia, PA – Nearly a full day since Eagles lineman Jason Peters addressed the media after training camp and levied several harsh statements about previous head coach Chip Kelly, the tiny microchip that had been implanted in Peters’ spine by Kelly physicians three seasons ago has not stopped sending violent electric shocks through his system.

On Thursday after training camp concluded, Peters told reporters he was happy to see new head coach Doug Pederson bringing back the Andy Reid system to the organization, and he further stated that if veterans stood up to Kelly in the past they would be let go.

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Chip Kelly, Tom Coughlin agree to rough touch for final game

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.

No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.

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Argument between Darren Sproles, Mark Sanchez gets ugly

hi-res-3c9dc8ab72ff1c764151e2269e9a0ed2_crop_northPhiladelphia, PA -Adding another wrinkle to a horrendous season, Darren Sproles and Mark Sanchez had to be separated by Jason Peters at the end of yesterdays game as the two had a brief, but noticeable, argument on the field.

Snippets of the argument were caught by the high-powered NFL Films microphones on the sideline of the game.

The Coggin has the transcript:

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Mel Kiper updates Eagles 2015 draft

JP

Many think Jason Peters will represent the Philadelphia Eagles in the upcoming draft.

Philadelphia, PA – ESPN’s Mel Kiper has released the latest version of his 2015 NFL draft and has the Eagles sending starting left tackle Jason Peters overseas to fight in the Vietnam quagmire.

Peters will likely begin in the reserves, Kiper said, but will be called up to the first starting infantry unit of the Fightin 105 to serve his country.

“Peters has the size and the elusive quickness that so many of our grunts lack out in the jungle,” Kiper said. “Stick an M16 in his hands and he’ll be a killer. He’s 6-feet, four-inches tall, and believe me, they do stack shit that high.”

Kiper said Peters needs to work on his war face before he can truly make a difference out in the shit, however.

Critics derided the potential pick and several seemed to think Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was leaning towards selecting Nick Foles.

“Outstanding, Private Foles, I think we have finally found something that you do well!” Kelly was heard yelling at Foles at a recent offseason workout as the quarterback worked on his deep balls. “Jesus H. Christ, you are definitely born again hard!”

Foles, however, may not be a great selection, said ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, as he hasn’t been on best terms with his fellow teammates. A report leaked last week claiming that Lane Johnson led a “blanket party” after lights out, warning Foles not to mention anything because it was “all just a bad dream.”

As of press time, Foles was seen entering the team restroom after lights out with a reported crazy look in his eyes.