Chip Kelly, Tom Coughlin agree to rough touch for final game

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.

No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.

“We might even just play one half, we’ll see how it goes. Really going to just play this one by ear,” Kelly said today, noting he had given his players the entire week off and told them to show up at MetLife Stadium about 10 minutes prior to Sunday’s kickoff.

The no tackling rule will be strictly enforced. Players may push each other to the ground, but anything else will not be tolerated.

“I don’t need this game, does anyone? Hell, I’m going to be fired the second that game clock hits zero, so what do I care? I’ll probably just watch the last three episodes of Making a Murderer on my iPhone during the game,” Coughlin said.

Pads won’t be necessary, Kelly said, as long as each player just wears something green or blue to distinguish each other on the field.

Flag football was briefly discussed for the game, but neither team could find the appropriate number of flags or pinnies for every player on such short notice.

At press time, Jason Peters has already pulled himself from Sunday’s game for fear of injury.

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