If there’s one thing I know about attractive young women, it’s that they desperately need fat, ugly old men to help them find love in this world.

The skeeviest man in Philadelphia is playing matchmaker this morning with CBS3 anchor/reporter Meisha Johnson, solidifying his legacy as he winds down a legendary career of mild sexual harassment and chicken wing eating contests.

Jowls all a flutter with anticipation, Cataldi tweeted this out at the beginning of the Morning Show.

Sorry Meisha, but I can 100% guarantee you will not find the perfect man if he’s calling into a sports talk radio show at 6 a.m.

I’d check those microphones if I were you, Meisha. Is the show even being recorded? I wouldn’t put it past Cataldi to pull a stunt to get you in studio for hours. If he locks the doors for “security reasons” I’d immediately call 911 and go for his eyes. Gouge away, Meisha, it’s your only chance at escape.

Philadelphia’s finest pitched some woo at Meisha in the responses to Cataldi’s tweet. Let’s rank their chances at love with Meisha after the jump:

Solid start! David checking in with a rambling attempt to be charming… “a good date with a meal and then she won’t be single?” She’s going on a date with a meal? Why is this in the form of a question? Get it together Loeb. I do enjoy the tried and true “why are you still single?” compliment. Always a great strategy to put a woman down at the same time you’re bringing them up.

Chances at love: Three Cataldi sexual harassment charges out of 10.

Hey, a complete sentence that appears to be grammatically correct! Knows the difference between “there” and “their,” something I get wrong 85% of the time. Profile picture needs a bit of work, maybe don’t take a shot from below when you have several chins and look like you spent the night huffing glue in a parking lot.

Chances at love: Four Cataldi neck jowls out of 10.

The age rule? Oh god, you’re 12 years old, aren’t you Andrew? Pay more attention to Pokemon Go and your studies, Andrew.

Chances at love: One Cataldi “hey, I thought she was 18 guys, come on! You’re telling me you wouldn’t?” out of 10. 

Let’s just take a look at this next fella here, here we g…OH GOD, KILL IT, KILL IT WITH FIRE. DON’T LET IT GET AWAY, GIVE ME THAT AXE HANDLE ::smashes it into the behemoth’s skull, hearing the slick crunching sound of bone folding into brain matter:: I think…I think I killed it. ::looks closer:: Is that….that can’t be a man, can it? Oh god he’s human, he’s a man, I’ve killed him. EVERYONE SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK. John, you still have that burn pit in your back yard….good….good…get that tarp, lets load him up. NOBODY IS GOING TO THE COPS, YOU’RE ALL IN THIS WITH ME.

Chances at love: Zero Cataldi manslaughter charges out of 10.

A Christian accountant from Nashville with an MBA? Congratulations, you are the most boring man alive. Sweet seersucker suit, colonel.

Chances at love: Three buckets of fried chicken and regret consumed by Cataldi out of 10.

Now things are getting interesting….a grandfather? Hmm…he’s probably a war veteran, he seems wise and spry, he’s probably been around the block a few times. If he doesn’t have a secret Korean war bride to worry about we may have a winner.

Chances at love: Seven Cataldi loves you long times out of 10.

Yikes, Tony Hawk’s older, uglier brother needs to take it down a notch. Tough words coming from a guy wearing a hot dog shirt. He does have moxie though, I’ll give him that.

Chances at love: Five gnarly Cataldi kick flips out of 10.

Loser who recycles jokes from his twitter page to use on his failing blog. No shot. Go back to hell from whence ye came, slag.

Chances at love: Zero Cataldi sucker punches if he ever sees us on the streets out of 10.