Hey Colin Kaepernick, do you really want to get back into the NFL? Are you looking for a solution that will bring you back into the good graces of NFL owners?
Forget about cutting your afro, it’s not just about your hair. You have to go all in and start a dog fighting ring if you want to be brought back into the National Football League.
You’ve got to be like Mike, Kaep. You need to follow the Michael Vick reclamation program if you ever want to play in the NFL again.
Forget about raising $1 million for charity, that’s not getting you anywhere. Meals on Wheels donations? Fuck em’. You need to go all in like Michael Vick, round up as many dogs as you can get your hands on, and organize the most violent, sophisticated dog-fighting ring that this country has ever seen.
It works! You will get caught, obviously, but that’s when the real hard work begins. You’ll go to jail, maybe for a year or two, but when you get released you’ll begin a reclamation project for your career.
Reaffirm your dedication to God, your love of animals, and find a retired coach to be your “mentor” and you’ll be on your way back to the big leagues in no time. Sap teams will come a’-courting and you’ll be hurling that pig skin in front of millions again.
So, to recap, forget about cutting your hair. Be like Mike and get back to the NFL in these easy step:
- Start dog ring. Remember to murder dogs that don’t perform well for the benefit of your old “buddies.”
- Get caught. Claim you didn’t know what you were doing was “wrong” and it’s a “way of life” where you live.
- Go to white collar prison for two years.
- Get out and immediately start raising money for local ASPCA’s. Release promotional photos of you petting dogs (but not kneeling next to them).
- Sign with Eagles after lengthy apology tour across country.
You’ll be back in the NFL in no time, Colin. Everyone will have forgotten about your little protest and you’ll be back to doing what really makes a difference in this country. Football.
Easy peasy. Stick with us, Colin. We have your best interests at heart.