Special guest columnist OJ Simpson: Give America what they want, more OJ!

Hello America, it’s your old pal Juice coming at you for the first time in months. Juice has a standing offer with the Coggin Toboggan for a guest column, but I apologize for not being around much lately.

But imagine my chagrin last night when I stepped off the golf cours…err….I mean when Juice took time out of his busy schedule of trying to find the real killers of Nicole and Ron Goldman and saw this old mug looking back at him from the television set!

Well let me tell you, old Juice had completely forgotten Fox was going to air the 2006 interview I gave when I was doing the press rounds for my book, “If I did it,” which was never published due to some “creative” difference between myself, my publisher, and that nosy Goldman family. They’re always trying to steam up old OJ, it makes me so mad I could spit, or stab two seemingly innocent people to death in the primes of their lives.

I forgot all about this old interview with Judith Reagan, but let me say, man old Juice looks great up there! Charming, a devil-may-care attitude that I knew was driving Reagan crazy…it was like Juice was back and ready to take on the world and “hypothetically” detail bit by bit how I “may” have slaughtered my ex-wife Nicole and her boyfriend Ron in a fit of jealous rage.

Look at me up there, face glowing, just tossing off jokes left and right, chuckling inappropriately at mentions of my infidelity….I’m 100% natural, just a perfect television presence.

My only complaint is when they cut away from Juice to go to those three stuffed suits on the panel. Christopher Darden? I’m so sick of that guy and I’m pretty sure America is too. You tried to keep old Juice down, and people remember that, Chris. People remember that when they’re sharpening old knives in their basement, say some even as old as 24-years, some that many may have thought were lost to time, some that may have even swung the tide of the trial of the century if they had ever been found and not mysteriously disappeared.

Yes, a knife like that would call out to a man, wouldn’t it? It may call out for more blood, call out to taste flesh, to demand to sink into the supple meat of someone who once tried to get in Juice’s way, who tried to put him in jail when everyone knows that those two deserved it. Yes, a knife like that would scream out to be released from the secret hiding spot behind the fake panel in a Beverly Hills mansion…a knife like that would keep a man from getting a good night’s sleep in the past 24 years.

Do you hear it? Calling out right now. It won’t stop. It never stops. Maybe if it gets a tiny taste, just a tiny, tiny taste of blood on its serrated edges, licks its lips with just a dollop or two of plasma, it will be quiet once again.

I….I mean….hell, I was golfing people, it was hot out! The sun makes OJ a bit crazy, I could say or do anything!

Give the people what they want, Fox, America is clamoring for more OJ Simpson.

You can find me in Las Vegas looking for the real killers. OJ is ready to be America’s sweetheart once again.

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