Redskins

Eagles employee who ordered Rocky theme played during crucial in-game moment hailed as hero

hqdefaultPhiladelphia, PA – The Redskins had just ripped off a killer touchdown to put the visiting team up 27-22 over the Eagles with less than two-minutes to play in yesterday’s NFC East clash. Even though the Redskins failed on their two-point conversion attempt, spirits were rock bottom in the stands and on the field for Philadelphia.

Something needed to be done. Someone needed to stand up and do what was right.

That person was Nancy McClain, a 10-year employee of the Eagles in-game entertainment division, who in a moment of absolute brilliance suggested dusting off the old Rocky soundtrack LP sitting in the corner of the PA booth and piping it through the speakers of Lincoln Financial Field.

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‘I am not in a gang’ reiterates DeSean Jackson as he stocks up on ammunition, guns

desean-jackson-redskinsWashington, DC – After TMZ broke the news this morning that DeSean Jackson’s LA home was burglarized by several men with possible gang affiliation, the Washington Redskins wide receiver again made a statement that he is in no way affiliated with any gang.

“How many times do I have to say this, I am not in a gang,” Jackson said, clad all in blue clothes, as he busied himself in his Washington home gathering up various caches of ammunition he had hidden throughout his estate. “Just because I have friends who may be in a gang does not mean I’m involved in such nonsense.”

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Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk me

chipI’d wager every Eagles fan became aware they had ESP yesterday around 4 p.m. when the Redskins received the  back, down four, with just around three minutes to play. Every single fan knew, they KNEW in their hearts the Redskins were going to have a lengthy drive, score a touchdown, and the Eagles would lose by three points.

The narrative was too perfect. They would lose by three after their newly signed “kicker” had left four extremely easy points on the field.

Kirk Cousins of all people would lead his team down the field for the victory. Even Kirk Cousins’ parents didn’t think he would do it, they were leaving the stadium to beat the traffic before the game actually ended.

Holy shit that was painful. After cursing god for hours I sat in a dark room until midnight and wished curses upon all those who had wronged me. It was a nice evening.

Is Caleb Sturgis an avid Coggin Toboggan reader and actually read this article before the game? If he did, then I’d like to apologize to Eagles fans everywhere and I’ll have to start working on a new one where he quits football to do something worthy of his skills, like a janitor or a used car salesman, because he certainly isn’t a good enough kicker.

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week!
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Oh Snickers….Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. Three weeks in a row you’ve gotten your predictions wrong. We’re only going to give you a stay of execution because you managed to predict the Eagles would cover the spread. If it weren’t for your ability to actually get a few gambling predictions correct, we’d have crushed your skull under your steel-toed boots long ago. Don’t get too comfortable, though, that wood chipper still has your name written all over it.

This is no longer fun for me. I can’t work under this pressure. I didn’t sign up to be harassed and yelled at by an editor who pays me in moldy orange rinds and used condoms wrapped in tissue paper.

But I’m a professional, a professional sports predicting possum and my dedication is to YOU, the readers.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that my hairless tail drives the women possums crazy and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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