Green Bay Packers

Wait a minute…what’s going on with that hole Odell Beckham punched in the Lambeau wall?

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So apparently this is the hole in the wall at Lambeau Field that Odell Beckham Jr. thrust his stone hand through after the Giants loss to the Packers on Sunday. Impressive, yes, but something is just off about it…is there a way to get a closer look?

Enhance!

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Odell Beckham Jr. reportedly stole cursed doubloon from Blackbeard’s ship while in Miami

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Blackbeard the Pirate is not a Giants fan.

New York, NY – This should give the New York media more ammunition to pile on Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr.

After dropping several passes in key situations against the Green Bay Packers yesterday and facing harsh criticism for his decision to attend a boat party in Miami last week with several teammates, new information is breaking that reported Odell Beckham Jr. stole a gold doubloon piece from a spectral ghost ship the revelers came upon while sailing through deep fog off the Florida coast.

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BREAKING NEWS: Doug Pederson tells team Nelson Agholor sent to farm upstate

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He’s living a much happier life now.

Philadelphia, PA – After several repeated inquiries from teammates and coaches prior to tonight’s game against the Green Bay Packers, Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson is reportedly telling those who ask about Nelson Agholor that the young, troubled wide receiver has been sent to live on a farm  in upstate Pennsylvania.

“We thought Nelson needed some room to run, to play, and to live free on a big lovely farm. Plenty of space for him to prance and live his life away from the prying eyes of the media and disappointed coaches,” Pederson said.

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BREAKING NEWS: Insufferable prick, 9-11 Truther lead teams to the Super Bowl

Philadelphia PA – Football fans across the country watched on in horror as Bill Belichick, an asshole of immense proportions and well known prick, and Pete Carroll, a 9-11 truther and all around hunk of shit, respectively led the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots to an appearance against each other at Super Bowl XLIX.

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Insufferable prick Bill Belichick, who is no doubt receiving stolen information to win another crucial game to the disgust of millions.

NFL fans could only watch and suffer through both games, as the Packers squandered away a last minute lead to lose in overtime and the Patriots dominated the Colts for four quarters.

“Hey look, it’s not like the Packers are that great and I don’t know a ton about (head coach) Mike McCarthy, but I do know one thing…they’re not the fucking Seattle Seahawks,” said Patrick Mooney, a Cleveland arc-welder who dourly sat through both games. “And Bill Belichick, god I’d love to kick the teeth out of his head. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do for the Super Bowl? This sucks.”

Belichick, hands stuffed in his ratty Patriots hoodie for 99% of the game, scowled his way through a New England blowout of the Indianapolis Colts and sullenly tromped around the Patriots sidelines, never once looking like he was enjoying himself or showing one ounce of emotion. Millions of football fans throughout the country smashed remotes against household walls, declaring him a “cunt of epic proportions” and in all likelihood a “no good piece of shit cheater,” no doubt referencing the 2007 Spygate controversy.

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Noted piece of shit Pete Caroll, probably thinking about how the U.S. government engineered 9-11.

Carroll was not better received across America, as he mugged and celebrated for cameras after Russell Wilson threw a game winning touchdown to Jermaine Kearse in overtime of the NFC championship.

“He probably celebrated by watching Loose Change for the millionth time, god what a jackass,” said Tom Schwartz, an engineer from New York City, referencing the now debunked 9-11 truther documentary. “He thought 9-11 was an inside job and coaches one of the most hated teams in this country. God, I hope the 12th man stomps his head in one day when they suck again.”

Collective heads were held in hands across the country as the dim realization of two of the most hated teams in the league would be appearing in the final football game of the year.

“Who do I want to win? I think we’d all win if a 747 crashed into the Phoenix stadium and took out all of those losers,” said Chris Johnson, who threw a bottle of Wild Turkey against his wall and staggered outside of his home, where he promptly passed out on his front lawn.

However, as of press time, it was noted that moods throughout the country lifted slightly as fans realized that at least the Dallas Cowboys would not be in the Super Bowl.

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Christie seen struggling to fit into Columbus Crew jersey

chris_christieGREEN BAY, WIS – Reports flooded The Coggin Toboggan newsroom moments after the Dallas Cowboys fell to the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday evening, as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was seen berating an intern and tearing into the package of freshly purchased Columbus Crew jersey that he struggled to pour himself into.

“I told you to purchase an XXXL sized jersey, this is an XXL, you moron!” The perturbed governor reportedly yelled at an intern, as the young government employee sheepishly tried to help the rotund government leader pull the jersey down over his watermelon sized head.

Numerous sources claimed Christie ran into a hotdog cart in a comical fashion as the jersey was draped over his head, sending frankfurters skittering down a Lambeau Field promenade.

“Put a few of those in your pockets for the flight back to New Jersey. What is this, amateur hour?” Christie reportedly hissed at the intern after successfully stuffing himself into the straining soccer jersey.

Christie has been under fire recently from national and local media for his choice in fandom, being spotted in Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’s suite as the Cowboys defeated the Detroit Lion in the NFC Wildcard playoff round two week ago.

He angered Philadelphia fans earlier in the week when he described them as the worst in football. He clarified his remarks in a later press release sent to Philadelphia media outlets.

“I in no way said Philadelphia fans were the worst in football. I said they were pieces of shit,” Christie wrote in the release.

Wendy Gunderschmidt, a public works employee at Lambeau Field, told the CT she saw Christie throw his tarp-sized Cowboys jersey into a trashcan and leave the suite in a rage after Aaron Rogers clinched the victory for the Packers.

Gunderschmidt reported the jersey was slathered in chili, garlic salt, beer, whiskey, nacho cheese, ketchup, hotdog crumbs, spicy brown mustard, relish, cotton candy, paint thinner, Skittles, several large chunks of Bratwurst (spicy and mild flavored), and salsa. Upon closer inspection, the jersey had been retrofitted with several secret inseams capable of hiding numerous links of sausage.

The CT reached out the governor’s office for comment on his sudden change in fandom, and if it confirmed a possible presidential run and the beginning of a new courtship of Ohio voters.

“Absolutely not. I’ve been a fan of the Columbus Click (sic) for as long as I’ve been a fan of soccer,” Christie said. “How can you not root for mid-fighter (sic) Wil Trap and Federico Higuain to score all of the goals?”