BREAKING NEWS: Chris Christie seen struggling to fit into Columbus Crew jersey

chris_christieGREEN BAY, WIS – Reports flooded The Coggin Toboggan newsroom moments after the Dallas Cowboys fell to the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday evening, as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was seen berating an intern and tearing into the package of freshly purchased Columbus Crew jersey that he struggled to pour himself into.

“I told you to purchase an XXXL sized jersey, this is an XXL, you moron!” The perturbed governor reportedly yelled at an intern, as the young government employee sheepishly tried to help the rotund government leader pull the jersey down over his watermelon sized head.

Numerous sources claimed Christie ran into a hotdog cart in a comical fashion as the jersey was draped over his head, sending frankfurters skittering down a Lambeau Field promenade.

“Put a few of those in your pockets for the flight back to New Jersey. What is this, amateur hour?” Christie reportedly hissed at the intern after successfully stuffing himself into the straining soccer jersey.

Christie has been under fire recently from national and local media for his choice in fandom, being spotted in Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’s suite as the Cowboys defeated the Detroit Lion in the NFC Wildcard playoff round two week ago.

He angered Philadelphia fans earlier in the week when he described them as the worst in football. He clarified his remarks in a later press release sent to Philadelphia media outlets.

“I in no way said Philadelphia fans were the worst in football. I said they were pieces of shit,” Christie wrote in the release.

Wendy Gunderschmidt, a public works employee at Lambeau Field, told the CT she saw Christie throw his tarp-sized Cowboys jersey into a trashcan and leave the suite in a rage after Aaron Rogers clinched the victory for the Packers.

Gunderschmidt reported the jersey was slathered in chili, garlic salt, beer, whiskey, nacho cheese, ketchup, hotdog crumbs, spicy brown mustard, relish, cotton candy, paint thinner, Skittles, several large chunks of Bratwurst (spicy and mild flavored), and salsa. Upon closer inspection, the jersey had been retrofitted with several secret inseams capable of hiding numerous links of sausage.

The CT reached out the governor’s office for comment on his sudden change in fandom, and if it confirmed a possible presidential run and the beginning of a new courtship of Ohio voters.

“Absolutely not. I’ve been a fan of the Columbus Click (sic) for as long as I’ve been a fan of soccer,” Christie said. “How can you not root for mid-fighter (sic) Wil Trap and Federico Higuain to score all of the goals?”

 

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