Seattle Seahawks

Maybe we’ll just start a politics blog instead…

Our thoughts exactly, Greg.

At this point in the Eagles season I need to take a long, hard look at what I’m doing with my free time. Wasting four hours of my life to watch the Eagles fuck their way through an afternoon shouldn’t be an option anymore. Just imagine what I could have done with those four hours…I could have re-caulked my bathroom appliances, taken a nap, soundproofed my sex dungeon…anything would have been better than watching Nelson Agholor have a stroke on the field in front of a national TV audience.

Maybe we should slowly start transitioning ourselves over to a politics based website?

DID YOU SEE WHAT TRUMP TWEETED? What a prick! Hey, we’re halfway there.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

I…where do I even start? Three straight weeks, hardly any correct picks, it’s been and out and out nightmare. Sure, the Eagles proved us wrong and got a victory against the Falcons, but at what cost? They made us look foolish and I’M NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF BEING MADE THE FOOL.

It doesn’t get much easier this weekend, as the Eagles (5-4) are going west to take on the Seattle Seahawks (6-2) and hopefully not commit suicide like Kurt Cobain after the game. It’s a dreary region, I’m just saying is all. Don’t think it would be a bad idea to take Nigel Bradham’s guns away from him if they lose….

Eagles Win-Loss predictions: 3-6

Eagles spread predictions: 3-6

DARK. Oh well. The Eagles are a 6.5 point underdog, so it’s time to bring out the big guns. So, who exactly will be making our Eagles picks this week?

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Exciting weekend of football let down by Patriots/Seahawks nightcap

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Yuck.

A nation of football fans were treated to a spectacular weekend of professional and college match ups, as the #2, #3 and #4 nationally ranked college teams lost in nail biting fashion and the NFL hosted several of the finest games its seen all season.

However, the vaunted Patriots vs. Seahawks Sunday nightcap didn’t live up to fan expectations.

In a national survey, fans who stayed up to watch the 31-24 Seahawks victory felt disappointed that they didn’t witness a career ending Tom Brady injury or a stadium collapse that enveloped both teams under tons of rubble, concrete and rebar.

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God apologizes for Seahawks victory

Cima_da_Conegliano,_God_the_Father Heaven – Sighing deeply, God, the creator of Heaven and the Earth, made a rare appearance in front of the media and issued a public apology to sports fans everywhere for the Seattle Seahawks victory of the Minnesota Vikings in an exciting Wild Card game Sunday afternoon.

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh missed a chip shot field goal that would have seemingly won the Vikings the game with just 22 seconds remaining. Instead, the pro-bowl kicker missed a 27-yard kick and the Seahawks won 10-9.

“That’s my fault. I was pulling strings all afternoon for the Vikings. I mean, that was pretty obvious,” God said. “I step away for two god damn seconds and look what happens. I guess they never heard me say I help those who help themselves. Idiots.”

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Editor’s note: Was it too much to ask for a mumps outbreak?

Where was the mumps virus when we needed it the most?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Like the majority of Americans last night, I could not have cared about either team competing in Super Bowl XLIX. Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther nut job, Bill Belichick is a curmudgeon who looked like he enjoyed the victory for all of 2.3 seconds before setting his sights on next season, and not a single player on either roster I wished to see have any type of success.

But, unlike so many fans I’ve heard complain about the game and those that wished injuries or even death upon the participants in last night’s Super Bowl, I say relax. It’s just a game people, there’s no reason for such negative thoughts!

That being said, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I wish a mumps outbreak had spread like wildfire throughout both locker rooms.

Look, Mumps is rarely deadly in adults (1 in 10,000 will die according to WHO), so I think we all could have felt a lot better about the outcome if every single member of each team and coaching staff had contracted the virus at halftime and incubated until the game was over.

Just think about it. We would have had the enjoyment of the game (which was thrilling) but when the virus stopped its incubation period at the final whistle and its symptoms began to appear, it would have been double the fun!

Just imagine, NBC cameras broadcasting a swollen throat Tom Brady desperately trying to take a celebratory sip of champagne, but being in too much pain to do so. Or maybe Richard Sherman face down on Seattle’s bench, too weak to move, as confetti showers down over him, sticking to his sweat soaked fever skin?

Maybe even, if we were lucky, Pete Carroll cursing God as his body is wracked with muscle aches because he had refused a Mumps vaccination, fearing it would give him autism?

At the very least I would have enjoyed seeing Robert Kraft keel over in his suite, surrounded by loved ones also clutching their swollen throats. Not dead, obviously, but at least in some discomfort.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Super Bowl we all deserved.

God checks in, sets the record straight on Seahawks victory

The Afterlife – Following an after game interview that saw Seattle Seahawks’ Quarterback Russell Wilson break down and thank God for leading him to victory, a livid God checked in with the CT through a series of emails and denied he had anything to do with the Seahawks victory.

“Do you really think I would have let a Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl? Really?” The lord and savior said in an email. “I thought I made it quite clear to Russell when he threw four interceptions on the day that I in no way wanted him to succeed. You suck Wilson.”

God stressed he would not have thrown his holy weight behind the Seahawks if he wanted to endear himself more to the people of earth.

Continuing a horrid NFL weekend, God also confirmed that he lost a “shitload” of money on the Colts after the 45-7 drubbing against the Patriots.

“Chuck Pagano survives cancer and he goes out like this? I had nothing to do with that one, people, let me make that clear,” he said. “Sounds like that was right up Buddha’s alley. You know him and his ‘if people expect only happiness in life, they will be disappointed’ teachings. He’s a cool guy, don’t get me wrong I like him a lot, but teach your people a lesson when the Jehovah doesn’t have some sweet action on the game, come on man.”

God confirmed that he would not be in attendance at the Super Bowl and if New England wins another championship, the world would be thrown into 500 days of complete darkness.

BREAKING NEWS: Insufferable prick, 9-11 Truther lead teams to the Super Bowl

Philadelphia PA – Football fans across the country watched on in horror as Bill Belichick, an asshole of immense proportions and well known prick, and Pete Carroll, a 9-11 truther and all around hunk of shit, respectively led the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots to an appearance against each other at Super Bowl XLIX.

Insufferable prick Bill Belichick, who is no doubt receiving stolen information to win another crucial game to the disgust of millions.

NFL fans could only watch and suffer through both games, as the Packers squandered away a last minute lead to lose in overtime and the Patriots dominated the Colts for four quarters.

“Hey look, it’s not like the Packers are that great and I don’t know a ton about (head coach) Mike McCarthy, but I do know one thing…they’re not the fucking Seattle Seahawks,” said Patrick Mooney, a Cleveland arc-welder who dourly sat through both games. “And Bill Belichick, god I’d love to kick the teeth out of his head. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do for the Super Bowl? This sucks.”

Belichick, hands stuffed in his ratty Patriots hoodie for 99% of the game, scowled his way through a New England blowout of the Indianapolis Colts and sullenly tromped around the Patriots sidelines, never once looking like he was enjoying himself or showing one ounce of emotion. Millions of football fans throughout the country smashed remotes against household walls, declaring him a “cunt of epic proportions” and in all likelihood a “no good piece of shit cheater,” no doubt referencing the 2007 Spygate controversy.

Noted piece of shit Pete Caroll, probably thinking about how the U.S. government engineered 9-11.

Carroll was not better received across America, as he mugged and celebrated for cameras after Russell Wilson threw a game winning touchdown to Jermaine Kearse in overtime of the NFC championship.

“He probably celebrated by watching Loose Change for the millionth time, god what a jackass,” said Tom Schwartz, an engineer from New York City, referencing the now debunked 9-11 truther documentary. “He thought 9-11 was an inside job and coaches one of the most hated teams in this country. God, I hope the 12^th man stomps his head in one day when they suck again.”

Collective heads were held in hands across the country as the dim realization of two of the most hated teams in the league would be appearing in the final football game of the year.

“Who do I want to win? I think we’d all win if a 747 crashed into the Phoenix stadium and took out all of those losers,” said Chris Johnson, who threw a bottle of Wild Turkey against his wall and staggered outside of his home, where he promptly passed out on his front lawn.

However, as of press time, it was noted that moods throughout the country lifted slightly as fans realized that at least the Dallas Cowboys would not be in the Super Bowl.