The Afterlife – A number of heavenly sources confirmed today that Gordie Howe, “Mr. Hockey,” arrived in heaven safely and immediately made his presence felt in the ethereal plane.
One archangel said Howe grabbed a stick almost at once after emerging from the Pearly Gates and hopped onto a frozen pond for a pickup game with a number of other deceased hockey legends.
“Great to see Howie out here, ruffling some feathers and stirring the pot, as per usual,” said Maurice “Rocket” Richard, who passed away in 2000.
About 10 minutes into the spirited contest, Howe blasted a slap shot past Terry Sawchuk to notch his first goal in the afterlife.
Heaven – Sighing deeply, God, the creator of Heaven and the Earth, made a rare appearance in front of the media and issued a public apology to sports fans everywhere for the Seattle Seahawks victory of the Minnesota Vikings in an exciting Wild Card game Sunday afternoon.
Vikings kicker Blair Walsh missed a chip shot field goal that would have seemingly won the Vikings the game with just 22 seconds remaining. Instead, the pro-bowl kicker missed a 27-yard kick and the Seahawks won 10-9.
“That’s my fault. I was pulling strings all afternoon for the Vikings. I mean, that was pretty obvious,” God said. “I step away for two god damn seconds and look what happens. I guess they never heard me say I help those who help themselves. Idiots.”
The Afterlife – High atop a throne of clouds, God, ruler of all things Holy, commented on a recent Reddit thread that asked if fans believed he was “punishing” the City of Philadelphia’s sport teams for cutting Tim Tebow.
The thread, which can be seen here, has garnered hundreds of responses from local fans.
God vehemently denied said rumors, but mentioned he was “most certainly punishing” Philadelphia.
The Afterlife – Following an after game interview that saw Seattle Seahawks’ Quarterback Russell Wilson break down and thank God for leading him to victory, a livid God checked in with the CT through a series of emails and denied he had anything to do with the Seahawks victory.
“Do you really think I would have let a Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl? Really?” The lord and savior said in an email. “I thought I made it quite clear to Russell when he threw four interceptions on the day that I in no way wanted him to succeed. You suck Wilson.”
God stressed he would not have thrown his holy weight behind the Seahawks if he wanted to endear himself more to the people of earth.
Continuing a horrid NFL weekend, God also confirmed that he lost a “shitload” of money on the Colts after the 45-7 drubbing against the Patriots.
“Chuck Pagano survives cancer and he goes out like this? I had nothing to do with that one, people, let me make that clear,” he said. “Sounds like that was right up Buddha’s alley. You know him and his ‘if people expect only happiness in life, they will be disappointed’ teachings. He’s a cool guy, don’t get me wrong I like him a lot, but teach your people a lesson when the Jehovah doesn’t have some sweet action on the game, come on man.”
God confirmed that he would not be in attendance at the Super Bowl and if New England wins another championship, the world would be thrown into 500 days of complete darkness.