Indianapolis Colts

Marvin Harrison critical of Philadelphia fans, praises city’s lax attitude towards murder in HOF speech

2016 Hall of Fame Football

Marvin Harrison had some harsh words for Philadelphia and its fans.

Canton, Ohio – Oh boy Philadelphia, if you haven’t heard wide receiver Marvin Harrison’s Hall of Fame Speech this weekend you may just want to skip this article altogether.

The newly minted NFL Hall of Fame wide receiver took a shot at his hometown fans in his induction speech, criticizing their legendarily harsh attitude to Philadelphia athletes.

“I’m from Philadelphia, the home of the Eagles,” Harrison said. “If you get the coin toss wrong in Philadelphia, they want to trade you the first thing on Monday morning, so I wasn’t used to that in Indianapolis.”

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Peyton Manning makes emotional, surprise announcement at his press conference

bio_mini-bios_0_peyton-manning_0_fix_sf_hd_768x432-16x9Denver, Colo. – Peyton Manning, arguably the one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game, held an emotional press conference today to announce that a new variety of Papa John’s Pizza would be available at locations countrywide.

In front of hundreds of assembled media members, former players, coaches, and front office executive, Manning officially confirmed what many had reported on since early Sunday morning.

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President Obama opens State of the Union Address complaining about New England Patriots

OBAMA-AP PHOTO_8Washington DC – President Barack Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed last night as the leader of the free world opened his State of the Union address condemning the actions of the New England Patriots and the team’s role in the “Deflate Gate” scandal.

“My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight enraged, as no doubt most of you are, that the New England Patriots again used underhanded techniques to triumph in the game of football,” Obama said, pursing his lips and looking into the camera. “I was dismayed Sunday evening after the Patriots defeated the Colts to reach the Super Bowl, but I was enraged monday afternoon when our CIA moles informed me the Patriots may have intentionally deflated footballs in order to give pretty boy Tom Brady an unfair advantage. This will not stand.”

“You think you can cheat the American public out of a Super Bowl that doesn’t feature the New England Patriots? Think again, you clam chowder eating pieces of shit,” he continued, pointing his finger at the camera and audibly slamming his fist on the podium.

Obama continued to express his frustrations at seeing the Patriots in “yet another Super Bowl,” and vowed to use every resource at his disposal to “show the world at large what a despicable organization the Patriots really are.”

He went on for 40 minutes, forgoing discussions about the looming threat of ISIS to America’s safety or the growing deficit, trashing the Patriots.

He received a record 35 standing ovations from the assembled crowd.

Perhaps the largest came when he winked at the camera and informed the American people Tom Brady would “most likely not be in attendance” at the upcoming Super Bowl due to “a prior engagement at Guantanamo Bay.”

Obama closed the final 5 minutes of the State of the Union discussing a potential terrorist plot aimed to take down much of America’s infrastructure, but the audience was still abuzz after the thrashing he leveed against New England and its “pompous, prick fans.”

“It was magical. I’ve never seen a President unite the country as well as President Obama did tonight,” said Candy Crowley, CNN’s chief political correspondent. “He touched on a raw nerve in this country; the absolute hatred of those pieces of shit up in New England and their cheating ways. Seriously, fuck Belichick and his sissy boy quarterback Tom Brady.”

Obama’s Gallup Approval rating rose from 42.6% to 93.2% after the address.

God checks in, sets the record straight on Seahawks victory

latestThe Afterlife – Following an after game interview that saw Seattle Seahawks’ Quarterback Russell Wilson break down and thank God for leading him to victory, a livid God checked in with the CT through a series of emails and denied he had anything to do with the Seahawks victory.

“Do you really think I would have let a Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl? Really?” The lord and savior said in an email. “I thought I made it quite clear to Russell when he threw four interceptions on the day that I in no way wanted him to succeed. You suck Wilson.”

God stressed he would not have thrown his holy weight behind the Seahawks if he wanted to endear himself more to the people of earth.

Continuing a horrid NFL weekend, God also confirmed that he lost a “shitload” of money on the Colts after the 45-7 drubbing against the Patriots.

“Chuck Pagano survives cancer and he goes out like this? I had nothing to do with that one, people, let me make that clear,” he said. “Sounds like that was right up Buddha’s alley. You know him and his ‘if people expect only happiness in life, they will be disappointed’ teachings. He’s a cool guy, don’t get me wrong I like him a lot, but teach your people a lesson when the Jehovah doesn’t have some sweet action on the game, come on man.”

God confirmed that he would not be in attendance at the Super Bowl and if New England wins another championship, the world would be thrown into 500 days of complete darkness.