Washington DC – President Barack Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed last night as the leader of the free world opened his State of the Union address condemning the actions of the New England Patriots and the team’s role in the “Deflate Gate” scandal.
“My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight enraged, as no doubt most of you are, that the New England Patriots again used underhanded techniques to triumph in the game of football,” Obama said, pursing his lips and looking into the camera. “I was dismayed Sunday evening after the Patriots defeated the Colts to reach the Super Bowl, but I was enraged monday afternoon when our CIA moles informed me the Patriots may have intentionally deflated footballs in order to give pretty boy Tom Brady an unfair advantage. This will not stand.”
“You think you can cheat the American public out of a Super Bowl that doesn’t feature the New England Patriots? Think again, you clam chowder eating pieces of shit,” he continued, pointing his finger at the camera and audibly slamming his fist on the podium.
Obama continued to express his frustrations at seeing the Patriots in “yet another Super Bowl,” and vowed to use every resource at his disposal to “show the world at large what a despicable organization the Patriots really are.”
He went on for 40 minutes, forgoing discussions about the looming threat of ISIS to America’s safety or the growing deficit, trashing the Patriots.
He received a record 35 standing ovations from the assembled crowd.
Perhaps the largest came when he winked at the camera and informed the American people Tom Brady would “most likely not be in attendance” at the upcoming Super Bowl due to “a prior engagement at Guantanamo Bay.”
Obama closed the final 5 minutes of the State of the Union discussing a potential terrorist plot aimed to take down much of America’s infrastructure, but the audience was still abuzz after the thrashing he leveed against New England and its “pompous, prick fans.”
“It was magical. I’ve never seen a President unite the country as well as President Obama did tonight,” said Candy Crowley, CNN’s chief political correspondent. “He touched on a raw nerve in this country; the absolute hatred of those pieces of shit up in New England and their cheating ways. Seriously, fuck Belichick and his sissy boy quarterback Tom Brady.”
Obama’s Gallup Approval rating rose from 42.6% to 93.2% after the address.