Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow’s new agent ‘100% guarantees’ he signs a major league deal after showcase
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Tim Tebow is crediting his newfound success to a change in management.

Los Angeles, Calif. – The new agent for ex-NFL quarterback Tim Tebow made a bold proclamation this morning, guaranteeing the athlete would be signing a major league deal with one of the 20 teams, scheduled to attend his showcase.

B.L. ZeBub, head representative of the Inferno Talent Agency, guaranteed his newest client would greatly impress at the Aug. 30 showcase and be signing with one of the 20 teams in attendance, including the Phillies, before the season is completed.

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Christmas greatest hits Coggin Toboggan style

redcrabWell it’s Christmas. While most of you are opening presents around the tree and roasting chestnuts on an open fire, take  a minute to think about those of us who may not have chestnuts and have taken to eating wet walnuts under a bridge in South Jersey somewhere.

Yes it’s Christmas, and that means I’m much too lazy to actually write something of substance. If you’re like me, right about now you’re arguing with family members about wrongs of Christmas past and you’re ready to throw ALL of the presents you’ve bought into a local reservoir to show them you really mean business.

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God: Yes, I am punishing Philadelphia, but not for cutting Tebow

Cima_da_Conegliano,_God_the_FatherThe Afterlife – High atop a throne of clouds, God, ruler of all things Holy, commented on a recent Reddit thread that asked if fans believed he was “punishing” the City of Philadelphia’s sport teams for cutting Tim Tebow.

The thread, which can be seen here, has garnered hundreds of responses from local fans.

God vehemently denied said rumors, but mentioned he was “most certainly punishing” Philadelphia.

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Former Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow converts to Judaism

RT_tim_tebow_140321_16x9_608Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a change in his life after the latest setback to his professional football career, formerly devout follower of the Catholic faith Tim Tebow decided it was time for a new chapter in his life and completed his conversion to Judaism late Wednesday evening.

The embattled professional athlete said it was definitely for the best.

“Let’s be honest, I wasn’t doing so hot as a Catholic. Sure I had a good run there for a few years, honored my mother, kept a few commandments holy, gave up soda a few times for lent….but where did it get me? Cut by the Eagles and out of football. Where’s your messiah now, Moses?” Tebow asked a group of reporters.

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The Josh Innes, Spike Eskin, and Hollis Thomas show! (An assessment)
Josh Innes doing his best Spike Eskin impersonation.

Josh Innes doing his best Spike Eskin impersonation.

Have you ever wanted to listen to a sports talk radio show with three hosts, where one speaks for about 90% of the on-air time, the second gamely tries to play along with whatever antics are planned for day, and the third over laughs at EVERY SINGLE JOKE said during the four-hour program?

Well ladies and gentlemen, the newly (re-re-RE) formatted 94 WIP mid-day show is for you!

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Tebow couldn’t have been better! vs. Ehh lets not go too crazy here

Tebow couldn’t have been better!

Eagles

Anthony John Vincenzzo.

Unbelievable. What a way to ingratiate yourself with the hard nosed, blue collared fans of Philadelphia. I cannot remember a better debut in my lifetime, even my buddy Sully said he was impressed and Sully is not easily won over. He’s been drinking the same brand of beer for the past 25 years (Narragansett if you wanted to get him a case for the feast of San Gennaro) so he’s a hard man to convince.

But you can’t argue with the results. One touchdown on a sweet six-yard run and a 50% completion rate is absolutely nothing to sneeze at. Plus, 69 yards (69 bro!) through the air in a half is not too shabby when you’re trying to manage the clock and run out the end of the game.

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Matt Barkley vows to defeat Tim Tebow in saddest quarterback competition of all time
This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

Philadelphia, PA – Said in front of one half-paying attention member of the media and an intern with the Drexel Triangle, Matt Barkley vowed he would beat out Tim Tebow for the third string quarterback position on the roster in the most depressing offseason story of the year so far.

Fans throughout the Delaware Valley agreed this is “much, much worse” than Lesean McCoy’s accusations of Chip Kelly being a racist.

In a recent straw poll conducted by Philly.com, 80% of respondents claimed they would rather read old game summaries from the 2004 season over Barkley vs. Tebow, 15% claimed they would rather watch Howard Eskin pick out a new fur coat and 5% claimed they would rather drink a glass of Marcus Hayes’ neck sweat than pay attention to this nonsense.

Defiant in the face of adversity, Barkley said he definitely had far fewer passes chucked at the feet of wide open receivers than Tebow. He also pointed to the fact that head coach Chip Kelly had asked him to get him a cup of coffee over Tebow near the tail end of the morning session.

“Did you see when I threw one of the practice footballs to Mark (Sanchez) from the sideline? That had to be at least 15 yards out and I threw it way, way over his head. It didn’t come close to him. Shows off my arm strength,” Barkley told Jennifer McThompson, sophomore journalism major at Drexel University and sports contributor to the school’s paper The Triangle.

McThompson promised she would try to get her profile of Barkley on the front page of the paper if her interview with “Philly Jesus” fell through.

Eagles sign Jesus, Tim Tebow to one-year deal
Jesus Christ, savior, strong safety.

Jesus Chris, savior, strong safety.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a fourth string quarterback and a new savior, the Philadelphia Eagles announced yesterday the signing of Tim Tebow, a free agent, and Jesus H. Christ, the son of God, to one-year deals.

“We like the versatility of what Tim can give us at the quarterback position. We can easily run a spread option or bootleg him out, we like that about him,” Head Coach Chip Kelly said. “And Jesus really gives us an extra edge. He’s tall, lean, and quick. If we can get him out of those sandals and into a pair of cleats we think he can really help us in the secondary.”

The pair was a package deal, Kelly said, as Christ said he would only sign if Tebow were included in the deal as well.

Tebow worked out with the Eagles two months ago and was left unsigned, but when Jesus Christ said he would join the team if they brought Tebow on, the Eagles jumped at the chance.

“He’s light on his feet, you know that, how else would he have walked on water. That’s a huge plus,” Kelly said. “He’ll be a big plus in the commissary as well. If we ever run low on bread or fish after practices, we’ll know where to go.”

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Some guy.

Tebow and Christ, lifelong friends, approached the Eagles with their plan over the weekend. While Tebow is expected to struggle to make the team next season, Christ will jump right into the start secondary, with many scouts predicting he’ll be one of two starting safeties next year.

Some scouts wondered about Jesus’s maturity, as reports have come out in past years about some trouble he had with money changers at a nearby temple.

Despite the risks, Kelly said the Eagles were lucky to sign Jesus, and to a lesser extent, Tebow.

“Would we rather have just Jesus? Yes, I won’t lie, but we’re glad to have both,” Kelly said. “Besides, he’s a great guy to talk too. He’s helped a few guys out so far and he’s just a great clubhouse leader.”

BREAKING NEWS:

As of press time, the Eagles were apparently close to a deal with John the Baptist to fill a wide receiver role and to fill in as part time water boy.