Nerlens Noel

Sam Hinkie had The Process, Bryan Colangelo has The Procedure

041016_bryan-colangelo_1200I’m sick of dunderheaded Bryan Colangelo face fucking his way through the 2016-2017 76ers season. Everything that’s good about this year (Embiid, Saric….ummm….that’s about it) has been due to previous GM Sam Hinkie and everything awful about this year (Gerald Henderson, the Noel disaster, the slippery floor, the announcement coming in the next few weeks that Ben Simmons won’t play this year, Jahlil Okafor, the Eagles poor season, the Flyers Shea Weber trade falling through) has been because of shit dick Colangelo and his father’s withered old man balls resting on his son’s shoulders as a constant reminder of his presence.

Also, apropos of nothing, why don’t you spell your name with an “I” like a regular person? God you suck.

Sam Hinkie had The Process, which netted this team a glut of lottery picks, a potential franchise changing player in Embiid and another first round pick next year from the Lakers.

Bryan Colangelo has, what we’ve dubbed at the Toboggan, The Procedure, which has netted us nothing but high blood pressure and increased chances of having a stroke in the next 10 years.

What is The Procedure, you ask? Well, why don’t we explain it using tweets from Colangelo’s meeting with the media today, shall we?


Bryan Colangelo: Nerlens Noel will be a made man and start at center this week


Nerlens Noel coming to the 76ers morning shoot around with 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo. The 76ers announced Noel would be a made man this week. (photo credit: @crimjimmegan)

Philadelphia, PA – An excited Nerlens Noel put on his best three piece suit and eagerly got into Bryan Colangelo’s 1969 white Cadillac Coupe Deville to attend the 76ers morning shoot around, his first since the news broke that the organization had decided to make him a made man and start him for the first time this season.

“This must bring you back to when you were made,” Nerlens said to Colangelo, who shrugged and smiled from the back seat.

“Oh that was a long time ago,” he said, as he instructed the driver to pull up to the side entrance of the 76ers Training Complex in Camden.


City of Philadelphia: ‘The 76ers season isn’t over yet?!’

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – With no NCAA tournament games scheduled for Monday, and during intermission between the first and second period of a pivotal Flyers game against the New York Islanders, the overwhelming majority of Philadelphia sports fan expressed their surprise that the Philadelphia 76ers 2015-2016 season had not yet concluded.

An entire city worth of sports fans, who clicked over to The Comcast Network to catch a repeat of Daily News Live, were shocked to see the 76ers in the middle of a third quarter bout against the Indiana Pacers.


Hogwart’s most famous duo outperforming Sixers’ by Marcus Hayes

Every once in a while The Coggin Toboggan will have an opportunity to see an article from a prominent Philadelphia journalist before it is published. This is one of those times.

A source has emailed us a column written by Marcus Hayes that will appear in a Daily News in the upcoming future. Please enjoy. 

Hogwart’s Most Famous Duo Outperforming Sixers’

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970dTHE QUESTION is answered before it’s fully asked.

“Large butterbeer, two shots of butterscotch.”

Hermoine Granger can order Ron Weasley’s favorite drink at the Three Broomsticks as easily as she can name the crucial components of a perfect polyjuice potion.

“Bingo!” Weasley said.


Nerlens Noel takes Canadian girlfriend out for third Valentine’s Day in a row

NBA: Boston Celtics at Philadelphia 76ersPhiladelphia, PA – For the third Valentine’s Day in a row, 76ers center Nerlens Noel turned down Valentine’s Day plans with his teammates to take out his “smoking hot girlfriend from Quebec” for a romantic night out.

Noel said he and “Suzie” had dinner reservations at Fork in Old City for 7 p.m. and then would likely retire to his Philadelphia apartment for a “serious make-out sesh.”


I fucking hate Evan Turner

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with 76ers sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Current record: 6-39

I know its been a while since I took the time to talk to everyone, but losing takes a lot out of you. It really does, but when you lose to a piece of garbage like Evan Turner you need to get a few things off your chest.


Christmas greatest hits Coggin Toboggan style

redcrabWell it’s Christmas. While most of you are opening presents around the tree and roasting chestnuts on an open fire, take  a minute to think about those of us who may not have chestnuts and have taken to eating wet walnuts under a bridge in South Jersey somewhere.

Yes it’s Christmas, and that means I’m much too lazy to actually write something of substance. If you’re like me, right about now you’re arguing with family members about wrongs of Christmas past and you’re ready to throw ALL of the presents you’ve bought into a local reservoir to show them you really mean business.


Sam Hinkie caught trying to make several trades out of spite

sam-hinkiePhiladelphia, PA – 76ers staff and executive had to forcibly break the door down of Sam Hinkie’s office Thursday evening, as the general manager reportedly tried to trade several members of the current roster for next to nothing.

Behind the barricaded door to his office, 76ers executives could hear Hinkie having a discussion with the Los Angeles Lakers that would have sent Jahlil Okafor to the west coast for Nick Young and a second round pick in return.

Hinkie is reportedly “not pleased” with the hiring of Jerry Colangelo, as several pundits think the move to bring on Colangelo will signal the end of Hinkie’s employment with the Sixers.


76ers pumped to learn they actually get to keep jerseys

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Despite losing their 12th game in a row to open the 2015-2016 NBA season, morale in the 76ers locker room remained high after Brett Brown informed the team they would indeed be allowed to keep their jerseys after the season ended.

“No fooling? You mean I get to keep this jersey? That is just way too cool!” 76ers rookie TJ McConnell said to Brown. “That is so killer! I’m going to wear this everywhere I go, awesome! It even has my last name on the back of it, just like the pros wear!”


Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

76ers logoI’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”