Daily News

Ghost of Barbaro: ‘I was a horse, get over it’

barbaroYes it’s me, Barbaro, coming to you from the great stable in the sky. I didn’t want to take time out of my eternal schedule of eating oats, grazing on a never ending plain of Kentucky Bluegrass, and letting flies walk over my huge eyeballs without nary a care, but I need to get something off of my horse chest.

10 years ago I won the Kentucky Derby. One year late I died. I had a bad wheel, typically doesn’t go to well for us horses, as we prefer to have four functional legs. But what are you doing to do? I had a nice run and you know the risks when you get into the racing game. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows…perhaps I trotted too close to the sun on hooves of sugar cubes, I don’t know. I’m a horse, and a dead one at that, what do I know about metaphors?

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Sweat-hog Marcus Hayes really steps out on a limb with his latest piece of garbage column

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970d

Award-winning journalist, Marcus Hayes.

Marcus Hayes, professional sweater, spewed forth his latest piece of drivel and gave us this beautiful column.

“Hayes: Great move for Eagles, if Carson Wentz is great.”

You do NOT have to click on that link to get the gist of what he’s saying. Read the headline. Did you do that? Boom, you just read the entire article (which is over 1,000 words of sweat-stained drivel).

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Special Guest Columnist: John Smallwood

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up next, John Smallwood of the Daily News.

smallwood2Not sure why I agreed to partiipate (sic) and waste my variable (sic) time by writing a column for a cooking blog (editor’s note: not what the blog is, or has even been, about) that has trashed my writhing (sic) so much in the past.

I am a professional, ok? Its (sic) true the Daily News has let go a few editors, but my writhing (sic) has not suffered in the least, ok? The least.

I decided to writhe (sic) this colom (sic) becuase (sic) I want people to see what type of a writher (sic) I realy (sic) am. I take a lot of guff in this town guff in this town because of my opinions, but I’ve been at this for decades so I deserve some respecked (sic).

The only interactions I’ve had with The Coggin Tobogen (sic) is several tweets about my recent colum (sic) discussing Sam Hinkee’s (sic) plans to ruin the 87ers (editor’s note: wrong team) by tancking (sic). I feel I was able to defned (sic) myself appropriately.

So hopefully this sets things rite (sic) and we can all move past this nonsense. Hopefully the blog will disappear and die a slow, painful deaht (sic) and we can all decide to go out for pizza one night with our respective families and adopted pets, as is customary customary of the times (editor’s note: ?)

So that is why I’ve decided to go to Applebees tonight for dinner. Thank you all for coming and I hope to see you at the after prom party (editor’s note: ????)

Special Guest Columnist: Marcus Hayes

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up first, Marcus Hayes of the Daily News. 

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970dCan someone please tell me what this website is actually about? Why I even agreed to help them out?

I mean, really, why did I agree to write something for this site after I blocked them from my Twitter feed months ago?

It’s a fake website that makes fun of me for being a fat mess.

And for the record, Chase Utley never took me out in the Phillies clubhouse with a slide to the back of my knees.

It wasn’t true. But did people care?

Of course not. People sent me that article on Twitter so much that I ate a whole wheel of American Cheese in one sitting.

It was uncomfortable. I had the curd sweats for days.

Not fun, not fun at all.

Also, do I sweat as much as this site likes to make fun of me for? I do not.

I may have a glandular problem and run through undershirts like nobodies business, even in the winter, but I don’t think that’s something to make fun of someone for.

It’s troubling…

It.

Really.

Is.

This blog gives the city a bad name and hopefully the owner will tire of his little venture and stop bothering me with fake articles about how I’m a fat, sweaty pig.

You can all go to hell.

Hogwart’s most famous duo outperforming Sixers’ by Marcus Hayes

Every once in a while The Coggin Toboggan will have an opportunity to see an article from a prominent Philadelphia journalist before it is published. This is one of those times.

A source has emailed us a column written by Marcus Hayes that will appear in a Daily News in the upcoming future. Please enjoy. 

Hogwart’s Most Famous Duo Outperforming Sixers’

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970dTHE QUESTION is answered before it’s fully asked.

“Large butterbeer, two shots of butterscotch.”

Hermoine Granger can order Ron Weasley’s favorite drink at the Three Broomsticks as easily as she can name the crucial components of a perfect polyjuice potion.

“Bingo!” Weasley said.

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John Smallwood blames trade deadline failure on those damned millennials

6a0120a6dde087970b0148c8734ba6970c-800wiPhiladelphia, PA – Daily News columnist and reporter John Smallwood continued his tirade against young whippersnappers today when he placed the blame for the inactivity of the 76ers front office at the NBA trade deadline squarely at the feet of “those damned millennials” in this city.

“God damn millennials ruining sports in this town. All they care about is smoking that reefer and playing with their X-Stations and Play Boxes, they’re to blame for the state of my beloved 76ers. Why would the franchise do anything if these kids don’t care about wins and losses? I’d give my soul to go back to the days when the Sixers were a 7th or 8th seed each season and lost 4-1 to the Heat each year. Now THAT was basketball.”

“Sure they always lost and were lost in a stagnant quagmire with no hopes of improvement, but let me tell you that one win each playoff series when Lebron James was focusing on the next round was SWEET. IT WAS SWEET. It’s not always about championships, they respected the game. You have to learn to love the journey, not the destination.”

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Philadelphia Media Network suing its caviar provider

Caviar-on-mother-of-pearl-spoonPhiladelphia, PA – Adding insult to injury for the beleaguered parent company of the struggling Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News, the Philadelphia Media Network was forced to levy a lawsuit against its caviar provider for the “sub-par quality” of its salted fish eggs.

Philadelphia Media Network has the food shipped fresh, daily, to it’s offices on 8th and Market for the enjoyment of all the high-level officials at the company.

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