Seize this opportunity, about-to-be-laid-off employees of the Inquirer and Daily News

inquirerdn-dl-shaded1The newsrooms of the Philadelphia Inquirer, Daily News and Philly.com are going to combine as part of a restructuring of the parent company, Philadelphia Media Network. Layoffs will be happening in all branches of the company, representatives reported, which is a shame because some talented reporters will be losing their jobs.

But fret not! The Coggin Toboggan, the fastest growing Philadelphia sports satire news site in South Jersey, is open to bringing in SEVERAL new writers to contribute to our brand of accurate and award winning journalism.

We’re looking for only the best, the brightest, and the most professional reporters in the area to contribute articles for our publication.

While there will be no money available for you at first, we used the remaining $200 in our yearly budget to purchase 200 New Jersey Lottery scratch-off tickets. We’ve got a great feeling about this decision and we felt it was the correct fiscal move for our company at this time.

If we hit it big, you will be ensured a percentage of our profits.

However, we must first address several harsh rumors about our company that have been floating around the internet for the past several months:

  • No, our office is not infested with cockroaches, as the rats ate them months ago and have taken over the office’s west cafeteria. We leave them alone, they leave us alone. Enough said.
  • Our Editor in Chief was not recently arrested for taking a swing at the Pope during his trip to Philadelphia this past month. He will, however, face charges for taking a swing at one of the Cardinals in attendance.
  • We do not all share one desk. We have a desk and a three-legged chair for the office.
  • Our office is now radon free! However, it is riddled with carbon monoxide, which helps during company nap time.
  • We are going to fix the 12-foot by 12-foot in our east wall soon, we swear, at least before it gets super cold.
  • It is true our one and only janitor died on the job last week. We are currently facing a lawsuit from his family after they found out we were using his corpse as a Halloween decoration out front. It may have been in bad taste, but the kids loved it.
  • Yes we are located directly next to a pet crematorium, but after you’ve been here for a few months you’ll wonder how you ever lived without the stench of smoldering cat hair.

So what do you say? Sound like a good offer? We want to hear from you if so! Send us an email with your resume and several examples of your writing to thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com!

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