In addition to personally designed health smoothies, bedtime curfews, and internal health monitors, Kelly announced each member of the roster would be receiving a 45-pound ball and chain for the bye week.
“Wearing this new piece of technology is mandatory for each member of the roster. We give our players leeway to be grown men and we trust them to make smart decisions, but this will ensure they behave during the off week,” Kelly said.
In addition to the ball and chains, each member of the roster would receive a new horizontally striped black and white body suit to be worn at all times until practice begins next Tuesday.
All active members of the team showed up this morning on the shoulder of I-76 West for an hour of community service.
“Drinking it up here boss,” A flushed Sam Bradford said, slinging a rake over his shoulder.
“All right, drink it up Bradford,” Kelly said, brandishing a shotgun as he rode up and down the ranks of athletes on a brown horse.
At press time, DeMarco Murray and Connor Barwin were scampering across the Schuykill Expressway in an ill-advised escape attempt.