Marcus Hayes, professional sweater, spewed forth his latest piece of drivel and gave us this beautiful column.
“Hayes: Great move for Eagles, if Carson Wentz is great.”
You do NOT have to click on that link to get the gist of what he’s saying. Read the headline. Did you do that? Boom, you just read the entire article (which is over 1,000 words of sweat-stained drivel).
Not really sure how Marcus is getting paid at this point in his career. 1,000 words that boil down to this:
If the guy the Eagles traded for is great, then the move is great. If not, then the move is not great.
Top notch stuff right there. Just top notch. If Carson Wentz is great, the trade is worth it. If not, then it wasn’t.
Marcus, you are the sweatiest, hackiest columnist this city has ever seen. If something is great, then it’s great. If it’s not great, then it’s not.
YOU NEEDED OVER 1,000 WORDS TO CONVEY THIS OPINION.
Here are some other things Marcus thinks is great (as long as they don’t turn out to not be great):
- The Taco Bell breakfast menu (if it doesn’t give you violent food poisoning and causes you to miss the morning staff meeting at the Daily News three out of five days in the week)
- Winning the lottery (as long as it’s not the lottery in the short story by Shirley Jackson – look it up you heathens)
- Puppies giving eskimo kisses (as long as they don’t have rabies and bite your face off)
- Hunks of ham sliding over a greasy, sweat-stained jowl (as long as the ham is not low-fat)
- Parties with your friends and family (as long as they don’t turn into an overeating intervention, like they always inevitably do)
- Long, drawn out of periods of immobility and sloth (as long as you don’t wake up in a coffin)
- Comas (if you’re not revived)
I fully expect Marcus to steal these talking points for his next column: Things that are great until they become not so great or continue to be great and end up being great in the long run, which would be great (working headline)