Elmont, NY – Shocking millions today, a disappointed Ahmed Zayat addressed the media and proclaimed his Triple Crown winning horse would not be put out to stud in the near future due to new information the horse revealed after his victory at the Belmont Stakes.
Surrounded by American Pharoah’s proud parents and a male horse later revealed as “Rusty,” a five-year-old Palomino, Zayat made the historic announcement in front of hundreds of reporters.
“American Pharoah informed us on Sunday afternoon that he is gay. We are supportive of Pharoah’s decision and all same-sex horse relationships in this country,” Zayat said. “We wish American Pharoah and Rusty all the best in the future. We are very happy that he can live his life the way he wants it…but he has informed us he will not be available to sire any sons or daughters in the future.”
American Pharoah stamped his foot on the ground once, indicating Zayat was correct. In a moment of tenderness and joy, the two horses shared a toothy kiss live on national television.
Zayat confirmed rampant rumors that have spread since the Kentucky Derby of American Pharoah’s sexuality. Media photos began to crop up after his victory at the Kentucky Derby, showing American Pharoah shopping for new horse shoes with an unidentified male friend (now known to be Rusty) at a local mall the day after the race.
Moments after Zayat’s press conference, calls started to pour into ABC complaining about the on air kiss shared between American Pharoah and Rusty. Despite the tender moment, citizens in the country who feel love should be between a horse man and horse woman only let their voices be heard.
“Last time I read my bible, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Mr. Ed,” Shirley Thompson of Little Rock, Arkansas said to an NBC operator. “How am I supposed to explain this to my children? It’s just disgusting.”
Despite a vocal minority, the vast majority of citizens throughout the country celebrated the momentous event and agreed it was a step forward for same-sex horse relationships everywhere.
“It was lovely. I hope American Pharoah and Rusty will have a great life together. Maybe they can adopt a few foals later down the line?” Nancy Johnson of New Hyde Park, New York, said Monday morning.
As of press time, American Pharoah and Rusty were enjoying a moment of peace in their shared stall and happily munching away on a bale of alfalfa.
Yes it’s me, Barbaro, coming to you from the great stable in the sky. I didn’t want to take time out of my eternal schedule of eating oats, grazing on a never ending plain of Kentucky Bluegrass, and letting flies walk over my huge eyeballs without nary a care, but I need to get something off of my horse chest.
The Coggin Toboggan 