Kentucky Derby

Ghost of Barbaro: ‘I was a horse, get over it’

barbaroYes it’s me, Barbaro, coming to you from the great stable in the sky. I didn’t want to take time out of my eternal schedule of eating oats, grazing on a never ending plain of Kentucky Bluegrass, and letting flies walk over my huge eyeballs without nary a care, but I need to get something off of my horse chest.

10 years ago I won the Kentucky Derby. One year late I died. I had a bad wheel, typically doesn’t go to well for us horses, as we prefer to have four functional legs. But what are you doing to do? I had a nice run and you know the risks when you get into the racing game. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows…perhaps I trotted too close to the sun on hooves of sugar cubes, I don’t know. I’m a horse, and a dead one at that, what do I know about metaphors?


American Pharoah will lose out on millions in stud fees

150502190032-02-american-pharoah-kentucky-derby-winner-super-169Elmont, NY – Shocking millions today, a disappointed Ahmed Zayat addressed the media and proclaimed his Triple Crown winning horse would not be put out to stud in the near future due to new information the horse revealed after his victory at the Belmont Stakes.

Surrounded by American Pharoah’s proud parents and a male horse later revealed as “Rusty,” a five-year-old Palomino, Zayat made the historic announcement in front of hundreds of reporters.

“American Pharoah informed us on Sunday afternoon that he is gay. We are supportive of Pharoah’s decision and all same-sex horse relationships in this country,” Zayat said. “We wish American Pharoah and Rusty all the best in the future. We are very happy that he can live his life the way he wants it…but he has informed us he will not be available to sire any sons or daughters in the future.”

American Pharoah stamped his foot on the ground once, indicating Zayat was correct. In a moment of tenderness and joy, the two horses shared a toothy kiss live on national television.

Zayat confirmed rampant rumors that have spread since the Kentucky Derby of American Pharoah’s sexuality. Media photos began to crop up after his victory at the Kentucky Derby, showing American Pharoah shopping for new horse shoes with an unidentified male friend (now known to be Rusty) at a local mall the day after the race.

Moments after Zayat’s press conference, calls started to pour into ABC complaining about the on air kiss shared between American Pharoah and Rusty. Despite the tender moment, citizens in the country who feel love should be between a horse man and horse woman only let their voices be heard.

“Last time I read my bible, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Mr. Ed,” Shirley Thompson of Little Rock, Arkansas said to an NBC operator. “How am I supposed to explain this to my children? It’s just disgusting.”

Despite a vocal minority, the vast majority of citizens throughout the country celebrated the momentous event and agreed it was a step forward for same-sex horse relationships everywhere.

“It was lovely. I hope American Pharoah and Rusty will have a great life together. Maybe they can adopt a few foals later down the line?” Nancy Johnson of New Hyde Park, New York, said Monday morning.

As of press time, American Pharoah and Rusty were enjoying a moment of peace in their shared stall and happily munching away on a bale of alfalfa.

The Coggin Toboggan’s guide to long shots of the Kentucky Derby

derbyThe Kentucky Derby will be run at Churchill Downs this Saturday, May 2, in front of thousands of onlookers and interested bettors. American Pharoah is coming into the race as the heavy favorite, with 5/2 odds to take the coveted derby crown.

But what about gamblers who are interested in striking it big with a long shot? Coggin Toboggan professional handicappers have taken a look at some of the lesser known and long shot horses who are running the race this weekend. Who might overtake American Pharoah and shock the world? Let our experts help you out.

Mr. Z (40/1) – Owned by Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford. Has run in just three races in three years, as he has torn a ligament or broken a leg during each run.

Bolo (40/1) – Accidentally ran the last two races clockwise. Will have to correct if he wants any chance to win on Saturday.

Danzig Moon (40/1) – The Coggin’s official dark horse pick. Danzig Moon has been described as the “bad boy” of horse racing by people who know this kind of thing. We can only assume this means he enjoys smacking around fillies in his stall, much like his owner Floyd Mayweather.

Ocho Ocho Ocho (40/1) – Embroiled in a tremendous scandal when his owner found him sniffing glue and eating jello before several races last year. Has been blackballed by the horse community.

Tencendur (66/1) – Odds of even placing in the derby are slim, as his owner cannot afford a car and has the horse pull a chariot for him to each race.