Triple Crown

American Pharoah will lose out on millions in stud fees

150502190032-02-american-pharoah-kentucky-derby-winner-super-169Elmont, NY – Shocking millions today, a disappointed Ahmed Zayat addressed the media and proclaimed his Triple Crown winning horse would not be put out to stud in the near future due to new information the horse revealed after his victory at the Belmont Stakes.

Surrounded by American Pharoah’s proud parents and a male horse later revealed as “Rusty,” a five-year-old Palomino, Zayat made the historic announcement in front of hundreds of reporters.

“American Pharoah informed us on Sunday afternoon that he is gay. We are supportive of Pharoah’s decision and all same-sex horse relationships in this country,” Zayat said. “We wish American Pharoah and Rusty all the best in the future. We are very happy that he can live his life the way he wants it…but he has informed us he will not be available to sire any sons or daughters in the future.”

American Pharoah stamped his foot on the ground once, indicating Zayat was correct. In a moment of tenderness and joy, the two horses shared a toothy kiss live on national television.

Zayat confirmed rampant rumors that have spread since the Kentucky Derby of American Pharoah’s sexuality. Media photos began to crop up after his victory at the Kentucky Derby, showing American Pharoah shopping for new horse shoes with an unidentified male friend (now known to be Rusty) at a local mall the day after the race.

Moments after Zayat’s press conference, calls started to pour into ABC complaining about the on air kiss shared between American Pharoah and Rusty. Despite the tender moment, citizens in the country who feel love should be between a horse man and horse woman only let their voices be heard.

“Last time I read my bible, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Mr. Ed,” Shirley Thompson of Little Rock, Arkansas said to an NBC operator. “How am I supposed to explain this to my children? It’s just disgusting.”

Despite a vocal minority, the vast majority of citizens throughout the country celebrated the momentous event and agreed it was a step forward for same-sex horse relationships everywhere.

“It was lovely. I hope American Pharoah and Rusty will have a great life together. Maybe they can adopt a few foals later down the line?” Nancy Johnson of New Hyde Park, New York, said Monday morning.

As of press time, American Pharoah and Rusty were enjoying a moment of peace in their shared stall and happily munching away on a bale of alfalfa.

BREAKING NEWS: American Pharoah tests positive for performance enhancing oats

Disgraced Triple Crown champion American Pharoah.

Disgraced Triple Crown champion American Pharoah.

Elmont, NY – Just two hours after a jubilant win at the Belmont Stakes to become the first Triple Crown champion since 1978, American Pharoah was forced to step down from the victor’s circle after testing positive for performance enhancing oats and doped carrots.

Blood testing on the disgraced animal was conducted immediately after the race and he tested positive for a number of banned substances, including steroid laced oats and carrots infused with Tetrahydrogestrinone, also known as “THG” or “The Clear.”

“He’s a bad horse. A very bad horse,” said Bob Baffert, trainer for American Pharoah.

Video also was released by the media mere minutes ago, which seems to show a shady looking horse delivering the banned substances to American Pharoah’s stall. In one moment of the video, Pharoah was shown stomping the ground twice, indicating “yes,” when asked if he would deliver 5 bales of premium alfalfa to the drug dealing animal for the substances.

As of press time American Pharoah was being transported to the nearest glue factory and awaiting trial.