Jahlil Okafor

Bryan Colangelo has an obvious tell. Does it spell doom for the 76ers?

Bryan Colangelo has an obvious tell, and it spells doom for the 76ers. Can you spot it? What’s the key difference between these two pictures?

At first glance, they look similar. Hell, he’s even wearing the same blue blazer and white button-down combination…but look at the collars. The picture on the left is Colangelo from this morning’s media day session where he stammered his way through an “update” on Joel Embiid’s health. Sure, he’s not ready for 5-on-5 yet, but is on track for their “intended goal” to participate in the regular season.

The picture on the right is when he was able to introduce the Sixers #1 overall pick Markelle Fultz to the media.

Now, notice the collars in both pictures….the collar on the right is tickling his jawbone, it’s exuberant, full of life, peacocking its way into the hearts and minds of the fans everywhere.

Look at the collar on the left. Definitely doesn’t come close to his jawbone. It’s wilted, limp, almost sallow. It’s sickly, unconfident, decidedly un-starched.

The conclusion? Colangelo’s collar height and collar vivacity, its “joie de vivre,” if you will, is his tell.

The collar on the right is his good news collar. Coincidence that he wore it while showcasing his greatest triumph as yet with the 76ers by procuring Markelle Fultz? I think not.

The collar on the left is his bad news collar. A vague timetable for Embiid’s return, denial of showcasing Jah for a trade, making excuses for why they’re signing front court has beens….he’s lying and he shows it through his collar height.

He knows something else, he just isn’t saying it verbally. Come clean with us, Bryan, we deserve it. You’re not fooling anyone.


Do you know what’s not fake? Awesome 76ers merchandise. Buy it all from the banners below (but maybe don’t invest in that Bryan Colangelo jersey you had your eye on).


Philadelphia 76ers 2017-2018 Nike Jerseys

Philadelphia 76ers 2017-2018 Nike Jerseys

BREAKING NEWS: John Chaney chokes out Jahlil Okafor at Philadelphia airport

i_chaney_iJahlil Okafor was out before he even touched the ground.

76ers center Okafor is reportedly recovering at Jefferson  University Hospital after a reported attack by legendary Temple Owls coach John Chaney after the team charter touched down this morning at Philadelphia international airport.

Eyewitnesses reported Chaney jumped Okafor as the dour center walked through the terminal with several members of the 76ers coaching staff.

Chaney allegedly slipped an arm around the neck of Okafor and hooked his other arm around the young man’s biceps, slowly choking him out as the elderly coach dragged him to the terminal floor.


Jahlil Okafor demands trade by end of the day before the snow

usa-today-8947756-0Philadelphia, PA – Jahlil Okafor has broken his silence on the swirling trade rumors that have surrounded him for the past several days. Okafor spoke up this morning up about his desire to be traded before the region is covered in several inches of snow.

The talented offensive center made a public statement this morning to the media, demanding to be traded by the end of the day.

“If you think I’m shoveling this shit tomorrow you’ve got another thing coming. Trade me now, get me a ticket out of town, let’s go. Chip chop chip,” Okafor said.


Sam Hinkie had The Process, Bryan Colangelo has The Procedure

041016_bryan-colangelo_1200I’m sick of dunderheaded Bryan Colangelo face fucking his way through the 2016-2017 76ers season. Everything that’s good about this year (Embiid, Saric….ummm….that’s about it) has been due to previous GM Sam Hinkie and everything awful about this year (Gerald Henderson, the Noel disaster, the slippery floor, the announcement coming in the next few weeks that Ben Simmons won’t play this year, Jahlil Okafor, the Eagles poor season, the Flyers Shea Weber trade falling through) has been because of shit dick Colangelo and his father’s withered old man balls resting on his son’s shoulders as a constant reminder of his presence.

Also, apropos of nothing, why don’t you spell your name with an “I” like a regular person? God you suck.

Sam Hinkie had The Process, which netted this team a glut of lottery picks, a potential franchise changing player in Embiid and another first round pick next year from the Lakers.

Bryan Colangelo has, what we’ve dubbed at the Toboggan, The Procedure, which has netted us nothing but high blood pressure and increased chances of having a stroke in the next 10 years.

What is The Procedure, you ask? Well, why don’t we explain it using tweets from Colangelo’s meeting with the media today, shall we?


Bryan Colangelo: Nerlens Noel will be a made man and start at center this week


Nerlens Noel coming to the 76ers morning shoot around with 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo. The 76ers announced Noel would be a made man this week. (photo credit: @crimjimmegan)

Philadelphia, PA – An excited Nerlens Noel put on his best three piece suit and eagerly got into Bryan Colangelo’s 1969 white Cadillac Coupe Deville to attend the 76ers morning shoot around, his first since the news broke that the organization had decided to make him a made man and start him for the first time this season.

“This must bring you back to when you were made,” Nerlens said to Colangelo, who shrugged and smiled from the back seat.

“Oh that was a long time ago,” he said, as he instructed the driver to pull up to the side entrance of the 76ers Training Complex in Camden.


Jahlil Okafor pens column blasting reporter for lack of sources


Enough is enough, says Jahlil Okafor.

The media in this city is disgusting. I wake up each and every day, shuddering as I reach for my iPhone to see what drivel reporters decide to “report” on me during a slow summer news cycle.

I get it. Newspapers are dying, you need a hook and you need something to bring in readers. Fine. But maybe do some actual reporting on a story instead of just throwing proverbial shit on the wall and seeing what sticks.

Take Tom Moore of the Bucks County Courier Time, for instance. He’s always citing his “sources” that say I’m unhappy with being in Philadelphia. Now he’s citing these “sources” saying that I’m upset the 76ers tried to trade me. It’s ridiculous.


Hogwart’s most famous duo outperforming Sixers’ by Marcus Hayes

Every once in a while The Coggin Toboggan will have an opportunity to see an article from a prominent Philadelphia journalist before it is published. This is one of those times.

A source has emailed us a column written by Marcus Hayes that will appear in a Daily News in the upcoming future. Please enjoy. 

Hogwart’s Most Famous Duo Outperforming Sixers’

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970dTHE QUESTION is answered before it’s fully asked.

“Large butterbeer, two shots of butterscotch.”

Hermoine Granger can order Ron Weasley’s favorite drink at the Three Broomsticks as easily as she can name the crucial components of a perfect polyjuice potion.

“Bingo!” Weasley said.


Report: Boston Celtics asked “moon and the stars” for Jahlil Okafor

lee_ainge2_sptsPhiladelphia, PA – Boston Celtics president Danny Ainge confirmed over the weekend that he participated in discussions with 76ers GM Sam Hinkie that would have brought Jahlil Okafor to Boston.

Ainge, however, said the 76ers asked for the “moon and the stars” in return for the young, promising center.

“They wanted no draft picks, no players, Sam asked for something much different. All Sam asked in return for Jahlil was a poem that he said ‘would fill his cold heart with the human spirit’ and make him feel the ‘warmth of the human spirit’ in a harsh world,” Ainge said.


Josh Harris orders thawing of Jerry Colangelo for trade deadline advice


A tortured soul.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.

Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.


Nerlens Noel takes Canadian girlfriend out for third Valentine’s Day in a row

NBA: Boston Celtics at Philadelphia 76ersPhiladelphia, PA – For the third Valentine’s Day in a row, 76ers center Nerlens Noel turned down Valentine’s Day plans with his teammates to take out his “smoking hot girlfriend from Quebec” for a romantic night out.

Noel said he and “Suzie” had dinner reservations at Fork in Old City for 7 p.m. and then would likely retire to his Philadelphia apartment for a “serious make-out sesh.”