Josh Harris

Bryan Colangelo admits to ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ inspired scheme to gain GM position

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Bryan Colangelo (left), Jerry Colangelo (center) and Larry (right).

Philadelphia, PA – Just two days into his position as GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, Bryan Colangelo was forced to call a hasty press conference and admit to a months long scheme he employed after watching the 1980s comedy “Weekend at Bernie’s” last December.

Colangelo admitted that his father, Jerry, has been deceased during his entire employment with the 76ers. Jerry Colangelo was hired by the 76ers in mid-December as a special Chairman of Basketball Operations for the organization.

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Josh Harris orders thawing of Jerry Colangelo for trade deadline advice

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A tortured soul.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.

Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.

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It’s a wonderful life, Sam Hinkie

sam-hinkieA lone figure stands, weeping, on the edge of the Ben Franklin Bridge on a dark and cold December night in Philadelphia. He looks down into the dark abyss as the wind and snow whips his Gucci suit around his pasty body. Wiping away tears, Sam Hinkie, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, loosened his grip on the bridge cables, ready to make one last final plunge into the Delaware River.

“What are you doing there friend?” A voice says from the sidewalk. Hinkie looks down and sees a kindly old man wearing a cotton winter coat and fedora, looking up at him with a strange smile on his face.

“I’m….not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going to end it all. This world doesn’t need me, this city doesn’t need me. The fans hate me, the NBA made the organization hire someone that is going to take away all my power, my process isn’t going to last…everyone….everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here! If I had never been in any of their lives,” Hinkie said, crying again.

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Sam Hinkie puts down Joel Embiid in parking lot behind Wells Fargo Center

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RIP

Philadelphia, PA – Not wanting to see the beloved Joel Embiid in pain any longer, Sam Hinkie learned how cruel the world could be and what it means to be a grown up.

“You know it’s the right thing to do Sam. If you love him, you won’t let him suffer any longer,” 76ers Managing Owner Josh Harris told the crying Hinkie, as he handed him a loaded double-barreled Remington shotgun.

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