Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.
Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.
“I have made the order, so it shall be done,” a grim Harris said. “May god have mercy on our souls for the unholy transgression we are about to commit.”
Colangelo, hired by the 76ers in December, has not been seen by the public since. The abomination against humanity has been summoned several times to guide the franchise in times of need prior to today.
To begin the process, Harris summoned hunch-backed assistant Sam Hinkie and ordered him to begin the thaw.
“Yes master,” Hinkie groaned, shuffling off to begin the affront to god
Harris and Hinkie ascended to a secret observatory on top of the Wells Fargo Center and hooked up electrodes to the frozen head of Colangelo. Harris then motioned to Hinkie, who flipped a switch, activating a platform that rose upwards to the heavens.
A strike of lightning to a pure chrome orb provided the necessary wattage to bring Colangelo back from the grave.
The reanimated corpse flickered its pain-ridden eyelids open before settling on Harris and Hinkie with a thousand yard stare.
“DO NOT TRADE OKAFOR…CONSIDER MOVING EMBIID FOR THE RIGHT PRICE….PLEASE LET ME DIE, AS MY SOUL IS TORTURED FOR A THOUSAND OF YOUR HUMAN YEARS FOR EVERY SECOND OF THE HELL I ENDURE,” the reanimated Colangelo told the 76ers executives.
“COLANGELO HAS SPOKEN. RELEASE ME BACK INTO THE VOID WHERE I MAY SLUMBER FOR ALL ETERNITY.”
At press time, Harris said Colangelo’s wisdom would likely be needed again in the offseason.