In Logan’s Run, a 1976 sci-fi movie starring Michael York, in the futuristic year of 2274 those who reach the age of 30 are hunted down and vaporized. Each citizen is implanted with a “Life Clock” that blinks red when they turn 30, notifying the “Sandmen” who hunt down the “Runners if they do not give up quietly.

My Life Clock went off this weekend after watching the NBA All-Star festivities. I guess I’m a runner now.

I always knew this day would come. I didn’t want it to happen, does anyone? After remarking to my wife for the 90th time that I “knew nobody in any of these events” anymore, my Life Clock started to go off. Truth be told I started to get hints that it may go off ever since I only recognized Claude Giroux in the NHL All Star game, but I thought I had more time!

Sure I’m not going to be hunted down and murdered (or so I think) but now that I’m officially old I have to start changing my attitude and thinking in new ways about sports.

Here are a few new official mandates I must adhere to now:

1. Commenting more on the ages of the athletes. Every old fan must remark, several times in fact, about “how young” these “kids” are now that play the game.

Example: How much money does that kid make for playing basketball?! That is just disgraceful, what is going to do with all of that? Probably spend it on video games and crack cocaine, not invest in some blue chips or give back to his community.

2.  Concussion evidence is spotty at best and obviously related to how players of today are soft and can’t be compared with the athletes of my generation.

Example: Another concussion timeout?! I don’t remember Jim McMahon ever staying down this long, and he seems like he’s doing ok nowadays. These kids are soft and they make too much money (double points bonus!)

3. Horrible ideas to improve already exciting sports. Obviously I’ve watched many hours of this sporting event, so my horrible idea is going to turn this sport around for the better!

Example: If I were the NBA commissioner do you know what my first order of business would be? No more three point line. The game was so much PURER back when it was all two-pointers….those kids knew how to play. Also, no more shot clock. You want to run one play a quarter, that’s your business. The game is more strategical that way instead of all this run and gun nonsense. 

4. Mixing up players names no matter how many times I’m corrected.

Example: That Michael Franca is going to be ONE HELL of a third baseman for the Fightins! What? That’s what I said, Michael Franca, geez. 

5. Obsessive listening habits to local sports talk radio.

Example: Did you hear Anthony Gargano said Sean McDermott is definitely going to be the next Eagles head coach? Guy knows his stuff, am I right, then he interviewed Brian Westbrook for the 10th time this week! Great stuff!

6. Agreeing with everything Les Bowen says. This is crucial.

Example: Les was right, Chip Kelly was a huge asshole.

7. An increased yearning for Buddy Ryan.

Example: These kids on the Eagles don’t know discipline, they just don’t know it! Look at that Leonard McCoy guy we used to have, if Buddy Ryan had been his coach, he would have been CUT week one and we would have been happy with it. (TRIPLE POINT BONUS!)

It’s been a hell of a run, but it’s all downhill from here. Please, remember me for what I was and now what I am about to become.