What a morning! The sun is shining (it isn’t), the birds are chirping (they’re not, they’re all frozen) and Mike Lombardi, the purveyor of the least correct comment/take about Philadelphia sports in the history of sports talk, is oiling up his disgusting old-man foot in preparation to firmly lodge it in his mouth yet again.
We have truly been blessed, Philadelphia.
Last night, while likely taking a moment out of his nightly routine of applying generous dollops of lanolin oil over every inch of his wrinkled, musty body, Lombardi must have tuned into the 76ers victory over the Charlotte Hornets and run afoul of a sight he just couldn’t abide.
Why……there was Markelle Fultz, the still “injured” 76ers point guard, DARING to show his face on the television broadcast, wasting valuable moments he could have been in the trainers room balancing his scapular muscle or studying film! He needed to share his displeasure, to alert the masses of god fearing sports fans of this GHASTLY affront to everything good and pure about basketball.
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is sitting in his office two weeks before the NBA All-Star Game and is reviewing choices for the pregame show, when a talent agent BURSTS into his room and says he has the perfect idea.
Talent Agent: “So, here’s what I’m thinking. Kevin Hart starts the show, and he welcomes the crowd to the 2018 NBA All-Star Game. He’s interrupted by actor Rob Riggle for some reason, who then attempts to “coach” him about what it takes to be an NBA All-Star for a long, terribly unfunny skit to really take the air out of any energy the crowd may have had for our exhibition game that has no stakes whatsoever. Riggle will have a coaching clipboard, a sweatshirt, a whistle the whole nine yards. He’ll make light of Kevin Hart’s height, he’ll be named coach, it will be marvelous.
Adam Silver: “That….that doesn’t sound too great, to be honest.”
Talent Agent: “But that’s not the end of it, oh no sir. Rob Riggle then introduces Jamie Foxx to the festivities.”
Adam Silver: “Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad. He’s an A-lister, could bring some good buzz to the pregame. What’s he going to do? Some comedy? Pump up the crowd?”
Donald Trump Jr. has found himself in hot water this morning after he released a four-page email chain in which the son of President Donald Trump apparently discussed the “overblown hype” the media had bestowed on uber-popular 76ers center Joel Embiid.
Trump Jr. discussed the delicate subject matter with a Russian contact direct after the NBA draft last month.
Trump Jr. released the following statement on his twitter account after several media outlets published stories alluding to his damning conversation about the transcendent talent that will elevate the 76ers to glorious heights the likes of which 76ers fans have never seen:
“To everyone, in order to be transparent, I am releasing the entire chain of emails I had with Ron Goldstone on June 23, 2017, a day after the NBA draft, who was relating a request from Emin, a person I knew from the 2013 Russian Basketball Super League 1, who offered to provide me with crucial analytical evidence that proved Joel Embiid did not deserve to win the NBA rookie of the year award and would be a middling center for the Philadelphia 76ers.”
The emails are included after the jump:
YES, JOEL EMBIID WILL HAVE SURGERY ON HIS KNEE. I DO NOT NEED TO GIVE AN EXPLANATION. HE SUFFERED ANOTHER INJURY DURING A PRACTICE IN JANUARY. NO MORE QUESTIONS, THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS SPOKEN. YOU SHALL COME BACK TOMORROW IF YOU DESIRE MORE DETAILS FOR YOUR PRECIOUS NEWSPAPER COLUMNS AND BLOGS. THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS DECREED IT SO.
JUST BE HAPPY THAT I GRANTING YOU AN AUDIENCE TOMORROW AND NOT TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW YOU SIMPERING MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA, I HAVE SPOKEN. HOW DARE YOU SECOND GUESS THE GREAT, AND ALL POWERFUL, GM OF COLANGELO.
::A blogger from Liberty Ballers sees a curtain to the side of the press room and pulls it open, revealing Bryan Colangelo pulling several levers and speaking menacingly into a microphone::
Philadelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo spoke to media this morning at Jefferson University Hospital after reports had leaked out of the 76ers franchise claiming that Ben Simmons’ broken foot had been healing slower than expected.
Colangelo, who has come under fire this week for his tendency to be less than forthcoming about injury news, said Ben Simmons was “just fine” and he didn’t know what the tortured screams coming from the hospital’s operating room were about.
Colangelo excused himself for a moment to “take a phone call” as he ducked into the suddenly very busy operating theater.
You have to be kidding me with this fucking kid.
Philadelphia, PA – An increasingly frustrated Jerry Colangelo entered his son Bryan Colangelo’s bedroom for the third time this afternoon, throwing the racecar bed sheets off of the slumbering 76ers GM in an attempt to rouse his son to greet the day.
“Let’s go, it’s 1:30 p.m., up and at them. There are deals to be made today, Bry Bry. Serge Ibaka was traded to the Raptors this morning, so you can cross them off the list of potential landing spots for Jahlil,” Jerry said, the level of annoyance raising in his voice as Bryan pulled the pillow back over his head in attempt to keep the sunlight out of his eyes.
The elder Colangelo sat on the edge of Bryan’s bed and patted him gently on his side.
Furkan Korkmaz, one of several foreign athletes the 76ers have selected this year for their unique brand of “skills.”
Philadelphia, PA – Quickly realizing that the top-tier, top-flight free agents available this year were not willing to sign max deals with a young and inexperience 76ers team, team scouts have been scouring the back end courts, war-torn arenas, and shady, dimly lit half-court games at all corners of the world to assemble a cutthroat team of mercenaries and hacks to don a 76ers uniform for the 2016-2017 season.
Vince Rozman, 76ers director of basketball operations and scouting innovation, said his team of scouts were dispersed throughout the world to assemble the “best of the best” that the rest of the NBA had shunned throughout the years.
Philadelphia, PA – Citing his extremely full plate right now and a million other things he has to do, Philadelphia 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo woke up today and quickly realized he forgot all about the NBA free agency period that starts tonight at midnight.
When asked why the local sports media had been reporting all week that the 76ers would be heavy players in the free agency market, Colangelo said his dad must have been speaking to reporters again.
“God he does this to me all the time. Just let me live my life, Dad,” the harried Colangelo said, scrambling to find his cell phone. “It just completely slipped my mind, ok? Is Lebron James a free agent this year? Maybe we should call him? God this is not good, it’s Toronto all over again. How much money do we have to spend? I’ve got like $50 in my wallet, will that help?”
Philadelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.
Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.
Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.
God damnit, mother fucking piece of shit. Eat shit, eat shit and die all of you, you fucking pieces of garbage. Fucking cunt licking, smelly asshole, no good mother fuckers that wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit you in your 2-inch dick.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN MY ASS.
Crap on a cracker, cum on a cracker, cum and crap on a cracker shoved into those Colangelo fruitcake’s mouths. Incest ridden shit fuck of a family, run me out of town, you fuckwads. Fucking fuck fuck fuck me with a stick.
I hope everyone in that franchise dies a horrible, horrible death. Steamroller accidents, immolation from molten lead, tragic welding mishaps….the more painful and horrific for your families to endure the better.
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt needle in your eyes shitdick mother fucking dick up your ass the Colangelo’s can suck my two-foot dick.
Hinkster out, bitches.