Jerry Colangelo attempts to wake up Bryan for third time this afternoon


You have to be kidding me with this fucking kid.

Philadelphia, PA – An increasingly frustrated Jerry Colangelo entered his son Bryan Colangelo’s bedroom for the third time this afternoon, throwing the racecar bed sheets off of the slumbering 76ers GM in an attempt to rouse his son to greet the day.

“Let’s go, it’s 1:30 p.m., up and at them. There are deals to be made today, Bry Bry. Serge Ibaka was traded to the Raptors this morning, so you can cross them off the list of potential landing spots for Jahlil,” Jerry said, the level of annoyance raising in his voice as Bryan pulled the pillow back over his head in attempt to keep the sunlight out of his eyes.

The elder Colangelo sat on the edge of Bryan’s bed and patted him gently on his side.

“You’re the general manager of an NBA team. Up and at them. The last time I came in here you begged me for another half hour. That was three hours ago. One, two, five, seven. Hut one, hut two, move it or lose it.  The day is still young, I bet you could at least make a few calls to Mr. (Phil) Jackson. He’s a nice guy, come on, get up,” Jerry said, throwing the shades open to let in the mid-afternoon light.

“Jesus, how old are you again?” Colangelo asked his 51-year-old boy, who had snatched his comforter off of his ground and pulled it back over his already slumbering frame.

“BRYAN JOFFREY COLANGELO, GET OUT OF BED RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT,” Jerry said, his voice rising to a pitch that signified definite trouble if not heeded.

“You have a job to do. The people of Philadelphia are counting on you to get something done…god help them.”

According to media reports, Bryan Colangelo laboriously threw the covers off of himself and raised himself from the warm bed. Shoulders slumped, he slowly walked to his bathroom to take a shower.

“OKAY FINEEEEEEEEE, whatever. I didn’t even want to be the stupid GM. Nobody else’s dad makes them get up every day. Rob (Hennigan, the GM of the Orlando Magic) told me his dad lets him sleep in as late as he wants. GOD, I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE. I CAN’T WAIT TO MOVE OUT,” he yelled, slamming the bathroom door.

At press time, Jerry Colangelo told his wildly sobbing son to “stop crying,” or he would give him something to really cry about.

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