Philadelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo spoke to media this morning at Jefferson University Hospital after reports had leaked out of the 76ers franchise claiming that Ben Simmons’ broken foot had been healing slower than expected.

Colangelo, who has come under fire this week for his tendency to be less than forthcoming about injury news, said Ben Simmons was “just fine” and he didn’t know what the tortured screams coming from the hospital’s operating room were about.

Colangelo excused himself for a moment to “take a phone call” as he ducked into the suddenly very busy operating theater.

He reappeared minutes later with a fine spray pattern of blood dotting his white shirt. Pale and sweating, he requested a cup of water and dry heaved for several moments before resuming the press conference.

When asked why a file on the door of the operating room had Ben Simmons’ name on it with a foot amputation procedure scheduled for that time, Colangelo said it “must be another Ben Simmons.”

“We fully expect Ben to play this season. He’s young his his healing is right where we want it to be at this point. He’s going to be a part of the 76ers family for a long, long time,” Colangelo said, raising his voice slightly to try and drown out the screams of a tortured patient in the other room.

“He’s going to have a long, long life. He’ll definitely have both of his feet until the day he dies, that I can assure you,” Colangelo said, as a call for a “Code Red” was sent out in the hospital, sending all available medical personnel into the operating room.

At press time, after speaking briefly with a surgeon who shook his head multiple times and patted Colangelo reassuringly on the back, the 76ers GM declared an end to the conference so he could call Simmons’ family and next of kin to “let them in on some new information regarding his rehab.