NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is sitting in his office two weeks before the NBA All-Star Game and is reviewing choices for the pregame show, when a talent agent BURSTS into his room and says he has the perfect idea.
Talent Agent: “So, here’s what I’m thinking. Kevin Hart starts the show, and he welcomes the crowd to the 2018 NBA All-Star Game. He’s interrupted by actor Rob Riggle for some reason, who then attempts to “coach” him about what it takes to be an NBA All-Star for a long, terribly unfunny skit to really take the air out of any energy the crowd may have had for our exhibition game that has no stakes whatsoever. Riggle will have a coaching clipboard, a sweatshirt, a whistle the whole nine yards. He’ll make light of Kevin Hart’s height, he’ll be named coach, it will be marvelous.
Adam Silver: “That….that doesn’t sound too great, to be honest.”
Talent Agent: “But that’s not the end of it, oh no sir. Rob Riggle then introduces Jamie Foxx to the festivities.”
Adam Silver: “Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad. He’s an A-lister, could bring some good buzz to the pregame. What’s he going to do? Some comedy? Pump up the crowd?”
Talent Agent: “No, he’s going to be wearing a full cowboy outfit for some reason and he’s going to sing and rap for what seems like FOREVER. It will be incredibly confusing for anyone watching. It’s going to be a whole cowboy themed song, boots, ten-gallon hats, sexy cowboy background dancers, all jumping around aimlessly and horribly unchoreographed like nobody rehearsed this at all beforehand. And believe me, nobody will have rehearsed it, all off the cuff. Foxx will rap a song nobody has ever heard before in such an unenthusiastic manner it will make viewers everywhere wonder why he even bothered in the first place. Not impressed? Well guess what, after that we bring Rob Riggle BACK OUT with Kevin Hart, we’ll then bring the fat guy out from “Workaholics” dressed as a welder to do ANOTHER song and dance number for an unfathomably uncomfortable length of time.”
Adam Silver: “I’m not really getting the theme of this show…”
Talent Agent: “Did I mention Queen Latifah? She’ll be there too, singing WITH the guy from Workaholics. How are you not getting this? What do you not understand, it’s all right there in black and white.”
Adam Silver: “It’s just confusing…”
Talent Agent: “So we then bring BACK Rob Riggle to coach up Hart again, ok? And then did someone say….Ludacris? ::holds up a hand to his ear::”
Adam Silver: “No, I didn’t say anything about him.”
Talent Agent: “Luda Luda! Ludacris in da house! ::does a B-Boy stance for 30 seconds without speaking:: Just picture it….Ludacris on stage, not even performing one of his well-known songs, god it’s beautiful.
Adam Silver: “And that’s the end of the show, right?”
Talent Agent: “No no no, my friend, we bring Rob Riggle BACK OUT for a final tet-a-tet with Kevin Hart, and then we wrap it all up in a neat package.”
Adam Silver: “So that’s it, then?”
Talent Agent: “NOT EVEN BY A LONG SHOT. WE HAVE KEVIN HART DO TRULY AWFUL PLAYER INTRODUCTIONS FOR THE NEXT 30 MINUTES, ONE OF THE WORST RENDITIONS OF THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER EVER PERFORMED BY FERGIE, AND WE COMPLETELY RUIN ANY MOMENTUM YOU HAD BUILT OVER THE WEEKEND FOR AN ALREADY UNPOPULAR EVENT THAT MEANS NOTHING IN THE LONG RUN FOR THE NBA OR ITS PARTICIPANTS.”
Adam Silver: “Get the hell out of my office. But before you go, what do you call this act?”
Talent Agent: “The Aristocrats!”