Temple Owls

John Chaney Was The Best

There will never be another John Chaney. There can’t be another John Chaney, because a coach who speaks his mind in such brazen and devil may care ways would be IMMEDIATELY cancelled in this day and age. He wouldn’t have lasted two seasons if he had coached in this century.

Would anyone survive goon gate? Could any coach barge into an opposing coach’s press conference and threaten to kill him? Oh my goodness no. But John Chaney could, because John Chaney was a legend and could do whatever the fuck he wanted.

Even today, 26 years later, I still randomly say “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you Calipari!” to myself and have a good chuckle. There was nobody better.

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BREAKING NEWS: John Chaney chokes out Jahlil Okafor at Philadelphia airport

i_chaney_i Jahlil Okafor was out before he even touched the ground.

76ers center Okafor is reportedly recovering at Jefferson University Hospital after a reported attack by legendary Temple Owls coach John Chaney after the team charter touched down this morning at Philadelphia international airport.

Eyewitnesses reported Chaney jumped Okafor as the dour center walked through the terminal with several members of the 76ers coaching staff.

Chaney allegedly slipped an arm around the neck of Okafor and hooked his other arm around the young man’s biceps, slowly choking him out as the elderly coach dragged him to the terminal floor.

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Temple Owls given keys to the city; Villanova Wildcats criticized for poor sportsmanship

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The epitome of class.

Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Jim Kenney and thousands upon thousands of Philadelphians welcomed the Temple Owls back to the city over the weekend, lauding the Owls for their stellar NCAA run.

Kenney presented head coach Fran Dunphy and each member of the Owls roster with a ceremonial key to the city. Kenney excused the team from having to pay income tax for the rest of their lives if they stayed in the city and assured them they would never have to pay for another drink as long as they lived.

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Fran Dunphy has been chopping wood since 2 a.m.

fran-dunphy Brooklyn, NY – Several eyewitness reports have confirmed that Temple University Head Coach Fran Dunphy has been chopping wood in Central Park since 2 a.m.

Wielding a sparkling, double-edge axe passed down from his great grand pappy, the silent Dunphy has reportedly chopped down several conifers and a fully grown pine during the six hour marathon session.

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Robert Durst’s NCAA March Madness predictions, slaughtering the competition since 1982

Our NCAA specialist is back, baby!

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, is back to help us pick March Madness games in 2016. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s.

Durst has run afoul of the law since last year, but he’s assured us that it is only a “misunderstanding” and he’ll soon be cleared of all charges. Franky, we can’t see why this affable and charming man has been jailed in the first place!

He’s assured us that he has had no prior run ins with the law before the difficulties last year.

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

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Fran Dunphy obviously giving motivational speech from Hoosiers

fran-dunphy Philadelphia, PA – Just four days before their first round matchup against 7th seeded Iowa, Temple Owls head coach Fran Dunphy addressed his team after their practice Monday night and offered them several words about the upcoming NCAA tournament.

However, after several minutes it became quite obvious that Dunphy had taken 99% of the speech from the 1986 movie “Hoosiers” starring Gene Hackman.

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Temple Owls vs. Notre Dame Fighting Irish: A breakdown for the ages

The Coggin Toboggan prides itself on its ability to breakdown upcoming match-ups and give our readers the best in sports analysis. With the Eagles on a bye this weekend, the city is buzzing about the upcoming Temple versus Notre Dame game on Saturday night at 8 p.m.

So who has the edge? The Owls are ranked 21st in the country and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are ranked 9th, with the upstart Owls finding themselves on the national stage for the first time in decades. Are the Owls hungry enough to topple the perennial powerhouse that is Notre Dame? It’s a traditional David vs. Goliath match-up, so the the only acceptable way to predict a winner is to decide if an Owl could beat a leprechaun in a fight.

This type of professional sports analysis may be hard to follow for casual fans, so if you’re finding yourself confused at some of the technical jargon and in-depth analysis, maybe go read one of our more low-brow articles.

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John Chaney appears in Owls locker room at half, delivers speech, disappears into the fog

John Chaney, still rallying the troops at the age of 83.

Philadelphia, PA – The Temple Owls, now a nationally ranked football program, were only leading by one point at halftime against lowly UCF this past Saturday and were desperately in need of a spark for the second half.

That spark was provided by legendary and near mythical Temple Owls basketball coach John Chaney, who reportedly “appeared out of nowhere” and launched into an epic halftime speech that had the Owls frothing at the mouth.

“We had a bit of a lull at halftime, I tried to rally us and bring up the energy, but nothing was working,” Owls coach Matt Rhule said. “But then I looked over and saw coach Chaney in the middle of all of our kids, screaming his head off, telling them to be the best they could be and to play as if their lives were ending, and by god damn it worked. I have no idea where he came from or how he got past security into the locker room, but damnit I am glad he did.”

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Temple’s Fran Dunphy has been listening to “Philadelphia Freedom” on repeat since snub

Philadelphia, PA – Unseen since Temple University was snubbed by the NCAA Selection Committee for the 2015 March Madness tournament, Owls head coach Fran Dunphy was found in his Villanova home Monday disheveled, drunk, and singing the lyrics to Elton John’s “Philadelphia Freedom” over and over.

Worried that he had not been heard by anyone since Sunday evening, Assistant Coach Aaron McKie traveled to his home Monday and entered the unlocked house. Upon entering, McKie said the stench of whiskey was heavy in the air.

“Oh Philadelphia freedom, shine on me, I love you, Shine the light, through the eyes of the ones left behind, Shine the light, shine the light, Shine the light, won’t you shine the light, Philadelphia freedom, I love-ve-ve you, yes I do,” Dunphy drunkenly sang from his living room couch.

An MP3 recording of the song was blasting from the head coach’s iPod, which he had hooked up to his house’s HIFI system. It was on repeat and was shown to be on its 180th play.

“Coach was pretty upset that we didn’t get in. He’s taking it a bit hard,” McKie said as he struggled to lift Dunphy up from the couch.

The mustachioed coach valiantly reached for a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle on the floor as McKie struggled to get him upright and launched into the conclusion of the song.

“Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom, Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom,” he slurred, before falling into a deep sleep.

Reports as of press time described Dunphy’s mustache as being in “pristine condition” and of “Final Four level caliber.”