Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Jim Kenney and thousands upon thousands of Philadelphians welcomed the Temple Owls back to the city over the weekend, lauding the Owls for their stellar NCAA run.
Kenney presented head coach Fran Dunphy and each member of the Owls roster with a ceremonial key to the city. Kenney excused the team from having to pay income tax for the rest of their lives if they stayed in the city and assured them they would never have to pay for another drink as long as they lived.
Brooklyn, NY – Several eyewitness reports have confirmed that Temple University Head Coach Fran Dunphy has been chopping wood in Central Park since 2 a.m.
Wielding a sparkling, double-edge axe passed down from his great grand pappy, the silent Dunphy has reportedly chopped down several conifers and a fully grown pine during the six hour marathon session.
Philadelphia, PA – Just four days before their first round matchup against 7th seeded Iowa, Temple Owls head coach Fran Dunphy addressed his team after their practice Monday night and offered them several words about the upcoming NCAA tournament.
However, after several minutes it became quite obvious that Dunphy had taken 99% of the speech from the 1986 movie “Hoosiers” starring Gene Hackman.
Philadelphia, PA – Unseen since Temple University was snubbed by the NCAA Selection Committee for the 2015 March Madness tournament, Owls head coach Fran Dunphy was found in his Villanova home Monday disheveled, drunk, and singing the lyrics to Elton John’s “Philadelphia Freedom” over and over.
Worried that he had not been heard by anyone since Sunday evening, Assistant Coach Aaron McKie traveled to his home Monday and entered the unlocked house. Upon entering, McKie said the stench of whiskey was heavy in the air.
“Oh Philadelphia freedom, shine on me, I love you, Shine the light, through the eyes of the ones left behind, Shine the light, shine the light, Shine the light, won’t you shine the light, Philadelphia freedom, I love-ve-ve you, yes I do,” Dunphy drunkenly sang from his living room couch.
An MP3 recording of the song was blasting from the head coach’s iPod, which he had hooked up to his house’s HIFI system. It was on repeat and was shown to be on its 180th play.
“Coach was pretty upset that we didn’t get in. He’s taking it a bit hard,” McKie said as he struggled to lift Dunphy up from the couch.
The mustachioed coach valiantly reached for a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle on the floor as McKie struggled to get him upright and launched into the conclusion of the song.
“Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom, Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom,” he slurred, before falling into a deep sleep.
Reports as of press time described Dunphy’s mustache as being in “pristine condition” and of “Final Four level caliber.”