Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Jim Kenney and thousands upon thousands of Philadelphians welcomed the Temple Owls back to the city over the weekend, lauding the Owls for their stellar NCAA run.
Kenney presented head coach Fran Dunphy and each member of the Owls roster with a ceremonial key to the city. Kenney excused the team from having to pay income tax for the rest of their lives if they stayed in the city and assured them they would never have to pay for another drink as long as they lived.
He then thanked the team for displaying utmost class in the face of an unjust defeat.
“These young men played their hearts out, and in the last second had victory snatched away from their grasps in a horrific manner. I think we all know that golem from Iowa pushed off at the end of the game,” Kenney said, fuming on the pulpit. “I assure you that we will be launching a full investigation into those referees. We will use all of the city’s resources to conclude this matter.”
Kenney then wrapped his arms around Dunphy and openly weeped into his chest for several minutes straight.
After pulling himself together, Kenney fielded questions from the media. When asked to give a comment on the Villanova Wildcat’s Sweet 16 appearance, his mood visibly soured.
“Frankly, I don’t want to even give any attention to that brash, overconfident team. Sure they made the Sweet 16, but maybe act like you’ve been there before, ok?” Kenney said. “Did you see Jay Wright pump his fist in the locker room after the game. Despicable. You’ve got to set a better example for the city and those young men you’re supposed to be coaching. Jay Wright? More like Jay Wrong if you ask me.”
The mayor then noted Wright would most likely find several tickets on his car when he came back and he “wouldn’t be surprised” if the coach’s car was keyed the next time he came into Philadelphia.
You’re an idiot mayor Kenney
You tell em’, Jack.