Brooklyn, NY – Several eyewitness reports have confirmed that Temple University Head Coach Fran Dunphy has been chopping wood in Central Park since 2 a.m.
Wielding a sparkling, double-edge axe passed down from his great grand pappy, the silent Dunphy has reportedly chopped down several conifers and a fully grown pine during the six hour marathon session.
You woke up this morning at 8:20 a.m., all psyched to watch the games, but the unfortunate news is that your NCAA tournament bracket, the one you spent hours researching and getting just right, has somehow already been busted.
You’re already mathematically eliminated from every pool you entered. Sorry about that.
The $25 per bracket you didn’t think twice about spending before the tournament started? It would have been better off being put in the bank, or donated to the homeless, or maybe put into a stock that would have paid out sweetly in 5 to 10 years. Maybe you would have gotten lucky and it would have supported your family for years to come. Guess you’ll never know now.
Philadelphia, PA – After a disappointing Big East championship weekend, #2 seed Villanova looks to be in “vintage” form for the upcoming NCAA Championship tournament.
Steamrolling through the earlier rounds, the heavily favorited Villanova squad fell 69-67 in the Big East Championship round against Seton Hall.
Who knew?!
I can’t believe this, but did you guys hear about Robert Durst? If you’re familiar, he was a correspondent that we paid, handsomely I might add, to give us his thoughts on the NCAA March Madness tournament.
He had forwarded his resume to us before the tournament started and it looked legitimate. Professional handicapper? Check. Years of college basketball analysis? Check. A perfect bracket in the last two NCAA basketball tournaments? Check plus.
If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.
Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!
Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.
Robert Durst: Well, there it is. You’re caught. You’re right of course, should have listened to everyone else and not picked Virginia to get to the finals. What a disaster. They were right, I was wrong….and the burping. I can’t stop. Stupid Virginia, why did I pick them to get to the finals? I’ll never get over this. What the hell did I do?
Virginia’s game disappeared faster than my first wife.
I’ve never been more disappointed in my life than yesterday. Not even when Barbara was killed by me…I don’t mean “me” of course, I was talking about the journalistic “me,” the “me” in all of us, you know what I mean. ::blinking uncontrollably::
So I’m over it. Whatever. I’ll make sure that coach will never disappoint me again. Maybe even some of his players.
But on to better things. On to the Sweet 16. If I had to bet someone’s life on these games, I’d suggest taking a long hard look at Wichita over Notre Dame. Wichita St. absolutely murdered Kansas yesterday afternoon, ripping the hearts out of their fans.
I also really like Michigan State to advance to the Elite Eight. They’ll have an easier road to the dance now that Villanova is out. They’ll have an easier time than the gentleman who hid my first wife’s body in our backyard lake on Jan. 31, 1982.
The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst.
Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?
The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left. Please make sure you take off your microphone before going into the bathroom, you do remember what happened last time.
::Leaves the room, pulls out his own microphone::
Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.
A national report released today shows that 95% of participants who entered a bracket into a March Madness pool are reporting that they are already in last place and have no hope of winning.
This set the record for futility in the annual March Madness tournament, topping last year’s pathetic show of 92% of brackets being busted after the first slate of games.
“I don’t know what happened. I really thought Iowa State had the guard play and the poise to at least reach the elite eight. What am I going to do for the rest of March, I don’t even want to watch these games anymore,” Millions upon millions of dejected fans said Friday morning.
Millions of brackets were crumpled and tossed into nearby trash cans Friday morning, as their owners came to realize they wasted yet another $25 on pools again.
Adding to the frustration, the majority of pool leaders after the first day were secretaries named Helen who were invited into company pools at the final minute. Most of their winners and losers were chosen based on team names and/or mascots.
Poor Ruben.
Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.
“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.
Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.
“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”
CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.
“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”
Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.
“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.
Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.
“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”
As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.
Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!
If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.
Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.
Robert Durst: Thank you for having me. As you know, I requested this column to have my voice heard on something very important, to give my side of the story and to let people know the truth about Bobby Durst…that I am a fanatic about mens college basketball.
Each round I’ll be providing the CT with exactly what people are interested in me about, my above average prediction skills for the greatest tournament in the world.
I may not know where my first wife is, but I do know that a 16 seed has absolutely no chance to beat any of the 1 seeds this year. No jury in the world will convict me for that prediction.
I don’t know…I’d pick them all if I could ::starts to blink rapidly::
I’ll give you one upstart in the first round that I think has a change to get away with murder. It’s number 12 Buffalo over number 5 West Virginia. I have nothing against West Virginia, but the Buffalo Bulls are the MAC champs and took a lead against Kentucky into the second half a few weeks ago for a reason. They’re a solid team and have averaged 75 points a game for the season, I could see them sending West Virginia to an early grave this tournament.
Speaking of West Virginia, have you ever driven through there? Gorgeous country, plenty of deep lakes, forests that nobody could entirely search for weeks on end, plenty of sprawling marshland…it really is a paradise. You could go for miles without seeing a single soul…you could even let out a piercing scream until your lungs ran dry and nobody would ever hear you. It really is god’s country.
Well, that’s it for me. I can’t think of anything else. I’ll see you before the start of the second round.
The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst, we can’t wait to have you back.
Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?
The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left.
::Leaves the room, forgets he is still mic’d up::
Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.
Philadelphia, PA – Unseen since Temple University was snubbed by the NCAA Selection Committee for the 2015 March Madness tournament, Owls head coach Fran Dunphy was found in his Villanova home Monday disheveled, drunk, and singing the lyrics to Elton John’s “Philadelphia Freedom” over and over.
Worried that he had not been heard by anyone since Sunday evening, Assistant Coach Aaron McKie traveled to his home Monday and entered the unlocked house. Upon entering, McKie said the stench of whiskey was heavy in the air.
“Oh Philadelphia freedom, shine on me, I love you, Shine the light, through the eyes of the ones left behind, Shine the light, shine the light, Shine the light, won’t you shine the light, Philadelphia freedom, I love-ve-ve you, yes I do,” Dunphy drunkenly sang from his living room couch.
An MP3 recording of the song was blasting from the head coach’s iPod, which he had hooked up to his house’s HIFI system. It was on repeat and was shown to be on its 180th play.
“Coach was pretty upset that we didn’t get in. He’s taking it a bit hard,” McKie said as he struggled to lift Dunphy up from the couch.
The mustachioed coach valiantly reached for a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle on the floor as McKie struggled to get him upright and launched into the conclusion of the song.
“Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom, Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom,” he slurred, before falling into a deep sleep.
Reports as of press time described Dunphy’s mustache as being in “pristine condition” and of “Final Four level caliber.”
The Coggin Toboggan 