For 6th year in a row, Ruben Amaro Jr. has no takers for March Madness pool


Poor Ruben.

Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.

“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.

Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.

“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”

CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.

“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”

Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.

“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.

Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.

“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”

As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.

Tom McCarthy absolutely rips Phillies: “They’re great, but not excellent”

What's wrong, Tom?

What’s wrong, Tom?

Clearwater, FLA – In a rare moment of candor, company stooge and play-by-play man for the Philadelphia Phillies, Tom McCarthy, finally opened up and blasted the Phillies for their play this spring training.

“Believe me, I think this is a great, great team,” McCarthy said, effectively tearing the squad a new one. “But they’re not excellent. Don’t get me wrong, do I think they can be? Absolutely. But they’re not their yet.”

He continued the lambasting, predicting the Phillies would “100%” finish in first place in the National League East, but most likely would not have the best record in the National League.

It was a welcome moment of fresh air from McCarthy, who has long been criticized for toeing the company line and never speaking out against the team or its play.

“Do I think Ryan Howard could hit between 65 and 70 home runs this year? If he stays healthy, that shouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. But in all reality, I see him somewhere in the 55 to 60 home run range,” McCarthy said, practically bitch slapping Howard from the broadcasting booth.

“Oh he’s safe and secure with New York Life!” McCarthy bellowed as Howard flied out to center field, though without his usual zest for promos.

Ben Davis, McCarthy’s newest color man, expressed surprise at Tmac taking the Phillies to task.

“It’s really weird, actually. I’ve only been working with Tom since the beginning of Spring, but you can tell something is off. When Ruben Amaro came in the booth earlier this week to discuss some of his plans for the season, Tom only hugged him three times during the interview. So strange.”

As of press time, McCarthy was sitting with his head in his hands in a darkened broadcast booth, muttering “oppo boppo” quietly to himself over and over.

Tom McCarthy pleased to already be in midseason form, hated by everyone


Tom McCarthy, just one game into the Phillies 2015 season, is already hated by 95% of Phillies fan.

Clearwater, FLA – Just seven innings into the first official Spring Training exhibition match against the New York Yankees, lead television announcer Tom McCarthy said he was happy with the warmup and the general hatred being lobbed his way in the broadcasters booth.

“I’m very pleased with my progression so far. As you know, it’s not only spring training for the players, but for the announcers too,” the jovial announcer said during the seventh inning stretch. A soda from the stands was hurled into the booth, splattering the head television announcer with diet coke.


Brown: Phils ‘not on same page’ last season


Domonic Brown, hard at work.

Clearwater, Fla – Domonic Brown addressed the media yesterday after the team’s afternoon session and stated that he believed the Phillies were not all on the same page last season.

“Personally, I don’t think we all had the same goals last year, we weren’t playing Phillies baseball. This year, I want everyone to be on the same page as I am for the 2015 season” he said. “I will try my best to help us lose every single game we play this year.”

“Whether I’m striking out in key situations or making sure that I’m grounding into a double play with a 3-0 count to end an inning rally, I’ll be doing everything possible to make sure we’re one of the worst teams not only in our division, but also the entire major league.”

Brown expressed disbelief that anyone who watched his performance from last season could doubt he was trying to lead by example.

He pointed out his numerous fielding gaffes on routine fly balls as a way of really giving it all to make sure he and the team failed at the highest level.

“What do I have to do this year to prove myself? Throw a live ball into the stands when I think it’s the third out in the bottom of the 9th inning in a tie game with the runner on third? Bat right handed a few times in the middle of a game? I’m giving it my all people, and I hope the rookies on this team look to me as a perfect example of what they should be doing to make sure our fans lose interest in this team by mid-May,” he noted.

If every single player in the locker room did not believe this team could go “0-162, then, man, I don’t know why you’re here in the first place.”

At the conclusion of the interview, Brown was seen practicing throwing dropped fly balls over home plate into the luxury boxes of the stadium.

Lesser known players invited to Phillies spring training


Known simply as GLC, the new Spring Training batting instructor (right) will provide solid hitting advice and fiscal responsibility to the Phillies this year.

Clearwater, Fla – Each year, hope springs eternal for a number of minor league players invited to Clearwater, Florida, to participate in Spring training workouts with the Philadelphia Phillies. The CT has compiled a list of long shots who have been invited to Spring training, but will most likely not begin the year in the major leagues.

George Louis Costanza – Assistant to the traveling secretary – Invited to Spring Training as a hitting instructor, Costanza was last seen in the big leagues delivering hitting instruction to Bernie Williams and a young Derek Jeter. Believes in the simplicity of physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.  It’s not complicated. One con, however, as the Yankees were only able to win the World Series that year in six games.

Thomas Langford – Right handed pitcher – Invited to Spring training after Ruben Amaro Jr. saw him throw a 72 mile per hour pitch at the fast-pitch game on the Ocean City Boardwalk last summer. Immediately signed the 39 year old father of 3 to a minor league deal worth $1.2 million guaranteed.

Johnny “Wild Thing” Thomasino – Catcher – A 17-year-old catching prospect that some feel is being brought along to the big leagues too quickly. However, can quote the entire “Major League” film trilogy from memory, so he’s always good for a laugh.

Oscar “El Dorado” Nunez – Left fielder – After missing out on three highly touted Cuban prospects, Phillies scouts used the entirety of their international signing budget on Nunez after a translator declared him to be a “great driver” of the ball to all parts of the field. It was later found that a bit was lost in translation, as Nunez was a “great driver” of athletes to ball fields, his former profession being that of a taxi driver who shuttled ballplayers to and from games in his coveted Cadillac Eldorado each season. Still invited to Spring training.

Lenny Dykstra – Former Phillies center fielder – Has been brought in to provide Ryan Howard with some solid financial advice and investment opportunities.

Phillies spring training equipment list addendum leaks to media

phi_1200x630Clearwater, Fla – The Philadelphia Phillies released an official list to the media last week detailing the extensive amount of equipment the organization is shipping from Philadelphia to Clearwater for the upcoming 2015 Spring Training.

The CT was able to snag an addendum list of equipment the organization wants to keep from the media. Here is what the Phillies will also be shipping down to Clearwater for the organization and its athletes.

2015 Equipment List:

• 6 cases of Jim Bean and a renewal subscription for Hustler Magazine (Larry Andersen)

• Lifetime membership to Morrie’s wigs (Chris Wheeler)

• Several contacts for financial managers (Ryan Howard)

• 15 crates of horn rimmed glasses (Scott Franzke)

• 1 pair of gator skin boots and 25 corn cob pipes (Charlie Manuel)

• 1 red little league outfielder’s glove (Ben Revere)

• Several round trip tickets to Reading, Pennsylvania. No expiration date. (Darin Ruf)

• 1 “Hello my name is” sticker. (Aaron Altherr)

• 1 muzzle (Jonathan Papelbon)

• 1 pink slip (Ruben Amaro Jr.)