Lenny Dykstra

Joining Twitter the classiest thing Lenny Dykstra has done in years

031113_dykstra_600Lenny Dykstra, famed member of the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies that stole the heart of the city on their fabled run to the Word Series, joined Twitter yesterday in what was certainly the classiest course of action he’s taken in years.

Twitter, a festering breeding ground of casual racism, sexism, trolling, death threats, and general toxicity will likely be right up the alley of the man known as “Nails,” who has long cultivated an attitude of prickishness after his playing days were finalized in the 90s.

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Sam Hinkie escorted out of the Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams roast

Hinkie glassesPhiladelphia, PA – A few weeks ago, 94 WIP held a roast for Philadelphia Phillies legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams at the Electric Factory, where the two alums were heckled for nearly an hour and a half by local comedians and some of their sports peers.

However, just a few clips on YouTube have emerged of the event, leading many to wonder why more highlights have yet to come out? Whispers and mumbles from the crowd at the roast have been slowly leaking out from the event, but very few concrete details have been confirmed.

What happened at this thing?

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Lenny Dykstra changes the roast game, simply stands up and leaves

Dykstra, looking like a milion bucks.

Dykstra, looking like a milion bucks.

Philadelphia, PA – The energy was crackling at the Electric Factory Thursday evening as hundreds came out to see the roasting of Philadelphia sport legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams. Local comedians, athletes and media members all had their best material on hand to deliver a sound thrashing of the two embattled former Phillies.

Dykstra, however, had other plans.

“Before the first roaster even had a chance to get to the dais, Dykstra simply shook his head, stood up from his chair, and walked off stage. It was unheard of,” said Big Daddy Graham, the first scheduled comedian of the evening. “He absolutely ruined it for everyone.”

Graham was the first roaster scheduled to appear and approached the podium with a confused look on his face.

“Umm…well…uhh. You know, if Lenny was here, I would say something like, wow, how did you manage to have a worse post sports career Darren Dalton. He ranted about the end of the world and has a brain tumor, but people still wouldn’t take your life over his. Man, this is just not working.”

Unable to end the roast, presenters tried to tailor all of their material to Williams or broke down completely onstage, unable to improv anything in midst of the change.

In the case of Al Morganti, he did both.

“Hey Mitch, you chewed a lot of tobacco in your playing days, right? I bet you drunk drove a few times as well also, am I right folks?” He stammered at the podium, as the crowd and Williams looked on in silence. “Oh god this just isn’t working. Fucking Dykstra, what a piece of fucking shit. We go to all this trouble to put together an event and he goes ahead and just blows it all to hell.”

Morganti sobbed quietly onstage until he was escorted off by security.

As of press time, it was reported that Dykstra enjoyed a quite evening of doing cocaine and passing out in a rented BMW at 3 a.m.

Lesser known players invited to Phillies spring training

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Known simply as GLC, the new Spring Training batting instructor (right) will provide solid hitting advice and fiscal responsibility to the Phillies this year.

Clearwater, Fla – Each year, hope springs eternal for a number of minor league players invited to Clearwater, Florida, to participate in Spring training workouts with the Philadelphia Phillies. The CT has compiled a list of long shots who have been invited to Spring training, but will most likely not begin the year in the major leagues.

George Louis Costanza – Assistant to the traveling secretary – Invited to Spring Training as a hitting instructor, Costanza was last seen in the big leagues delivering hitting instruction to Bernie Williams and a young Derek Jeter. Believes in the simplicity of physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.  It’s not complicated. One con, however, as the Yankees were only able to win the World Series that year in six games.

Thomas Langford – Right handed pitcher – Invited to Spring training after Ruben Amaro Jr. saw him throw a 72 mile per hour pitch at the fast-pitch game on the Ocean City Boardwalk last summer. Immediately signed the 39 year old father of 3 to a minor league deal worth $1.2 million guaranteed.

Johnny “Wild Thing” Thomasino – Catcher – A 17-year-old catching prospect that some feel is being brought along to the big leagues too quickly. However, can quote the entire “Major League” film trilogy from memory, so he’s always good for a laugh.

Oscar “El Dorado” Nunez – Left fielder – After missing out on three highly touted Cuban prospects, Phillies scouts used the entirety of their international signing budget on Nunez after a translator declared him to be a “great driver” of the ball to all parts of the field. It was later found that a bit was lost in translation, as Nunez was a “great driver” of athletes to ball fields, his former profession being that of a taxi driver who shuttled ballplayers to and from games in his coveted Cadillac Eldorado each season. Still invited to Spring training.

Lenny Dykstra – Former Phillies center fielder – Has been brought in to provide Ryan Howard with some solid financial advice and investment opportunities.