Philadelphia, PA – A few weeks ago, 94 WIP held a roast for Philadelphia Phillies legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams at the Electric Factory, where the two alums were heckled for nearly an hour and a half by local comedians and some of their sports peers.
However, just a few clips on YouTube have emerged of the event, leading many to wonder why more highlights have yet to come out? Whispers and mumbles from the crowd at the roast have been slowly leaking out from the event, but very few concrete details have been confirmed.
What happened at this thing?
Well, The Coggin recently found out why so many precautions are being taken to keep the roast under wraps. Apparently, current 76ers GM Sam Hinkie was so viciously cruel, vile and horrific the roast has been kept out of the viewing public’s eye for the past several weeks.
Hinkie warmed up for his roast a few months ago when he tore down media members after the 76ers season came to an end and he developed a taste for insult comedy.
No clips of Hinkie’s performance have emerged, but The Coggin Toboggan has procured a list of some of the more vicious barbs he leveled at the performers and athletes at the roast.
He first lay into the local members of the media in attendance, causing several to leave in embarrassment or anger afterwards.
Angelo Cataldi – “Ladies and gentlemen, the most popular member of the 94 WIP on air staff is here tonight, Angelo Cataldi. When are you going to die? Just die already. You’ve had one heart attack, you’ve survived decades of sharing a studio with Al Morganti, and Rhea Hughes won’t even fuck you. That’s God telling you to just give up! Put a bullet into your head on air and give your listeners the best show of their lives.
Les Bowen – “You piece of garbage. Les….LESSSSS I’m over here you dinosaur. Which one of your nurses brought you out here tonight and fed you applesauce throughout the proceedings? Is it the Jamaican girl? Oh god, she is hot, I fucked her while you were busy dying in your iron lung last night.
Spike Eskin – How are you less popular and less beloved than your piece of shit father?! That’s like Mussolini having Hitler for a son. Everyone hates you and your pithy Twitter account. Run the station into the ground like everyone thinks you will and just leave us all alone.
Stan Hochman – Unfortunately Stan Hochman couldn’t be here tonight. I guess he found something better to do than appear at a roast for these two has beens.
But Hinkie was just warming up, as he leveled his sights on the two men of the hour.
Lenny Dykstra – Lenny, how are you tonight? May I call you Nails? Nails, as we all know, did not have a very successful business career after his playing days were over. Somehow his business career was worse than Leslie Guidel’s, and she killed five kids with hers.
Nails, I just want you to know the wrong Phillies got cancer. How did Darren Daulton and Curt Schilling get cancer and you didn’t? You chewed your weight in tobacco over a decades long career! I would give anything to see you up here tonight with no jaw, drooling into a dip cup. I’m betting the thousands of people you swindled out of money over the years from your “investment” strategies were hoping to see you like that tonight too. Good god, you roided up monkey. If I had never hard you speak before tonight I would swear you had just come out of a two-year coma. I think everyone here tonight is praying you’ll drink too much and drive off the Ben Franklin Bridge.
Mitch Williams – Mitch, Mitchy poo, how are you tonight? Do you really think the people in this city have forgiven you for the 93 World Series? I trade waste of space Evan Turner and some inbred moron from Fishtown hurled a bottle of Wild Turkey at my head the day after, do you think single-handedly costing the most beloved team in the history of the Phillies a World Series victory will just be forgotten? You’re not even a nice guy! We all saw the video on Deadspin where you were screaming at those Little League kids. You are the WORST. Expect someone to place a car bomb in your Pontiac Fiesta later tonight.
::It’s not apparent on the leaked recording, but at this time Hinkie reportedly chucked a baseball at Williams, striking him in the head, knocking him out cold::
Jim Fregosi told me to do that to you from beyond the grave. HINKIE OUT, bitches!
Hinkie was so vicious he was immediately escorted from the building by several security guards, as the attendees could only look on horrified at the 76ers GM