Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps belied by his impromptu, off-the-cuff take down of Howard Eskin during last Thursday’s press conference, Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie performed nearly a 15-minute routine in which he insulted just about every sports media member in attendance.
“Where is Howard Eskin, that in the middle of a werewolf transformation mother fucker,” Hinkie asked, borrowing a line from the late Patrice Oneil. “Is he still in Florida? Tell him Andy Reid is in Kansas City and needs his dick sucked.”
Hinkie left his podium and delivered several biting, blistering lines to the stunned members of the Philadelphia press he had invited to the conference.
“Oh you didn’t like that I traded Michael Carter Williams last week, Angelo? You don’t know what a father should tell his son who has a Michael Carter Williams jersey? I’m not sure about that, but that father should definitely tell his son not to listen to some ancient hack columnist whose legacy will be that of morbid obesity in the form of a wing eating competition,” Hinkie said, his face inches away from Cataldi’s. “I wouldn’t fuck your fat pussy with Rhea Hughes’ cock.”
He moved around the room with the precision of a surgeon, stopping in front of each reporter to levy more insults, each more personal than the last.
“Have you seen these new advertisements the Daily News is putting around the city for Marcus Hayes? Great strategy. His fat fuck face is so swollen it needs the side of two bus stops to fit on. His picture looks like he smells like a combination of rotten cheese and garlic.”
Hayes reportedly wept softly for the remainder of the media session.
Capping off the massive insult session, Hinkie went into overdrive and described the following members of the media as such:
– Dei Lynam: “How does she still have a job in this town? I’d say it was nepotism if she were better looking.”
– Les Bowen: “This old mother fucker can’t go to a funeral without people wondering how the corpse got out of its coffin.”
– John Gonzalez: “Someone check his green card, he’s taking a job away from a more talented American journalist.”
– Jim Adair of Crossingbroad – “Watching this goofy bastard take shots on the Wells Fargo Center court this offseason made me realize there are certain ‘athletes’ out there that you can’t trade for a second round draft pick. Piece of shit looks like someone who has forgotten to take his seizure medication.”
As of press time, Marcus Hayes was seen still sobbing in his car in the parking lot.