Michael Carter Williams

Younger brother of MCW writes Sam Hinkie a letter to bring him back to Philadelphia

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps inspired by Jordan Leopold’s daughter’s letter written to the Minnesota Wild to bring her father back to Minnesota, Michael Carter William’s younger brother, Max, crafted a heartfelt letter to Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie asking if he could make a trade to bring his oldest brother back to the City of Brotherly Love.

The Coggin Toboggan was able to procure a copy of the handwritten letter sent to Sam Hinkie over the weekend. You will never believe how Sam Hinkie brightened the young boy’s day! (more…)

Sam Hinkie improvs 15-minutes of material on Philadelphia sports media members

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Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps belied by his impromptu, off-the-cuff take down of Howard Eskin during last Thursday’s press conference, Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie performed nearly a 15-minute routine in which he insulted just about every sports media member in attendance.

“Where is Howard Eskin, that in the middle of a werewolf transformation mother fucker,” Hinkie asked, borrowing a line from the late Patrice Oneil. “Is he still in Florida? Tell him Andy Reid is in Kansas City and needs his dick sucked.”

Hinkie left his podium and delivered several biting, blistering lines to the stunned members of the Philadelphia press he had invited to the conference.

“Oh you didn’t like that I traded Michael Carter Williams last week, Angelo? You don’t know what a father should tell his son who has a Michael Carter Williams jersey? I’m not sure about that, but that father should definitely tell his son not to listen to some ancient hack columnist whose legacy will be that of morbid obesity in the form of a wing eating competition,” Hinkie said, his face inches away from Cataldi’s. “I wouldn’t fuck your fat pussy with Rhea Hughes’ cock.”

He moved around the room with the precision of a surgeon, stopping in front of each reporter to levy more insults, each more personal than the last.

“Have you seen these new advertisements the Daily News is putting around the city for Marcus Hayes? Great strategy. His  fat fuck face is so swollen it needs the side of two bus stops to fit on. His picture looks like he smells like a combination of rotten cheese and garlic.”

Hayes reportedly wept softly for the remainder of the media session.

Capping off the massive insult session, Hinkie went into overdrive and described the following members of the media as such:

Dei Lynam: “How does she still have a job in this town? I’d say it was nepotism if she were better looking.”

– Les Bowen: “This old mother fucker can’t go to a funeral without people wondering how the corpse got out of its coffin.”

– John Gonzalez: “Someone check his green card, he’s taking a job away from a more talented American journalist.”

– Jim Adair of Crossingbroad – “Watching this goofy bastard take shots on the Wells Fargo Center court this offseason made me realize there are certain ‘athletes’ out there that you can’t trade for a second round draft pick. Piece of shit looks like someone who has forgotten to take his seizure medication.”

As of press time, Marcus Hayes was seen still sobbing in his car in the parking lot.

Michael Carter Williams takes out ad lambasting Philadelphia fans

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Hope you can still return that hat for store credit, Michael.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the tradition of athletes leaving town taking out advertisements in local newspapers for fans, Michael Carter Williams purchased full page colored ads in both the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News to hurl insults and thank fans for wasting his time during his tenure on the 76ers.

“Looking back at my two years here, I just have to say to each and every Philadelphia fan, from the bottom of my heart, to go fuck yourselves,” he wrote in the full-color advertisement, which featured a single photo of Williams flipping off the camera. “I sincerely mean those words. To every obese, piece of shit that screamed at me to make my free throws and stop turning the ball over, I hope you have a heart attack and drop dead in front of your friends and family.”

The second year player was traded last week to the Milwaukee Brewers as part of a three team trade, which saw the 76ers receive a first round pick in exchange for the young athlete.

Williams didn’t hold back when he reached 76ers GM Sam Hinkie in his letter.

“To that pasty, cunty, bloated mother fucker that has been wanting to trade me since his gummy hands gained control of the franchise, truly, I hope you have a stroke. I don’t want you to die, I just want you to be trapped in a husk of your former body, forced to watch me make all star game after all star game in future years, as you spend your remaining days drooling on yourself as you’re confined to an uncomfortable wheelchair.”

At one point in the advertisement, it seemed as if Williams had wiped excrement on the copy.

“Hopefully, you’ll be run out of this town by the ungrateful, blue collar slobs who will call for your head when none of your assets turn out to be anything, you analytics loving fat fuckwad.”

Several members of the media described the ad as being the most vicious exit from the city of Philadelphia since Eric Lindros left a flaming bag of dog shit on Bobby Clarke’s front porch.

76ers down to four players on active roster

sam

I need more second round picks…I desire them.

Philadelphia, PA – After a flurry of activity at the trading deadline yesterday, the 76ers are down to four active players on the roster for tonight’s game vs. the Indiana Pacers.

“Perhaps we went a bit overboard after we traded Michael Carter Williams, KJ McDaniels, Robert Covington, Luc Mbah a Moute, Nerlens Noel, Henry Sims, Hollis Thompson, Joel Embiid, Henry Sims and Jason Richardson for three first round picks and 37 second round picks in the 2015 to 2035 NBA draft,” GM Sam Hinkie said today.

The only remaining players on the 76ers roster are JaVale McGee, Tony Wroten (injured), Andrei Kirilenko (has yet to appear in a game), and Jerami Grant. A D-league player from the Houston Rockets was included in the bevy of deals, but has refused to step foot in the Philadelphia locker room for fear of being traded again.

“We have assets, oh so many assets. Just think of what we could trade with these second round picks….maybe we could get more second round picks!” Hinkie said excitedly, as his underlings looked nervously at each other.

Several sources from the 76ers front office have expressed fear that Hinkie has become mad with power. After the deadline passed, Hinkie was found in his office speaking into a telephone that was clearly not plugged in.

“He was trying to trade Franklin the Dog (the 76ers new mascot) for a new emcee to announce the games. We had to put a stop to this,” A source said.

To round out the roster for the next game, the 76ers announced they would select a lucky fan from the crowd prior to tipoff to start at point guard.

Oh my sweet jesus

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sam

“Fuck yeah.”

What the hell just happened?! Who is on the 76ers anymore…I’m so confused. Can they even field five players for the next game? KJ McDaniels and MCW gone. Excuse me while I go throw up in the mens room for the next three hours. Hinkie, you mad genius, you may have gone TOO far after you obviously read my fabulous column about the 76ers being the most exciting team in the city.

You magnificent bastard.